Friday, March 13, 2015

Your New Car: The song.

I used to know a guy who once told me he put a ding in his own brand-new car on purpose. He was a nervous wreck waiting for someone else to do it, so he took care of it himself.

My car is a few years old now, but I remember the feeling. And I felt the same way with the previous car, and especially the very first new car I ever owned. For the first few months I washed that car every week, by hand. That’s a record that I’ll never equal.

I was thinking about my old pal while in the parking lot today, and I was struck with the inspiration for a song about his dilemma. A real old-time ballad, like “Mary’s a Grand Old Name” or “My Gal Sal.” Most of those songs started with a verse before the main song, something to set the tone---as anyone who associates the name Katie Casey with “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” could tell you.

Anyway, I came up with the following; I’m back and forth on the melody, but I’m not picky; anything Tin Pan Alleyey would do.

"Your New Car"

[Opening verse, sentimentalish]
Beneath the silver moonlight stands
A girl with golden hair.
The shadows on her face conceal
A rage beyond compare.
She raises up a fist of keys
And runs them down your paint;
Her boyfriend’s car looks just like yours
But this, her boyfriend’s, ain’t.

[Main song]
Oooooh...
There’s a smile from the world today,
A new target on the road, they say,
A virgin car to dent and scratch and slime.
They turn corners sharp as you are waiting
At the stop sign, palpitating,
Knowing that it’s just a fact of time.
Tailgaters and rear-enders
And boozy jerks on benders
Are homing in Your New Car.

Looks like there's been apocalypse,
And social structure come amiss,
The streets all look like everything is ruin.
The roads are paved with shattered glass,
Potholes send shockwaves up your ass,
And garbage is what everyone’s been strewin’.
In every parking lot
A shopping cart has got
An eye on you and Your New Car.

The summer sky unmasks the sun
That bakes your car until it's done.
Then autumn pits, and muddies up your wheels.
Winter’s ice and salt are horrid,
Springtime's rain and floods are florid.
All nature’s turned against you now, it feels.
Birds with diarrhea
Are really glad to see ya
As you come near in Your New Car.

[Glissando, leading to big finish]
When parking at the job
You know some big fat slob
Will fling open his door and leave a scar.
So take a hammer to it,
Don’t make someone else do it
Put your first ding on Yoooouuurrrr Neeeewwww Caaaaaarrr!

Maybe your new car. Sure as hell not mine.

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