Wednesday, December 10, 2014

O Mighty Ibex.

I came across the ibex in a crossword puzzle recently. I knew it was some kind of creature, but thanks to the clue I discovered that it was A) a long-horned Alpine goat that B) had four letters, second letter B. I immediately decided: the ibex is awesome.

Ibex photo courtesy of NASA. Why NASA is running around with photos of a real ibex in its wallet is more than I can say.
Why is the ibex so awesome? Because he has the awesomest name in the animal kingdom. Even awesomer than the springbok, which is the most awesome antelope name, is the ibex. Ibex is badass. Ibex sounds fast and strong. Ibex should be a comic book character, one really good at headbutting, I think. Alfred Ibex would be a master spy. The Ibex Protocol would be a scary cure that might just kick cancer's kiester. NASA's IBEX is a dull solar wind project; IBEX ought to be a space rocket that headbutts Mercury. Everything is cooler with ibex on it. You can't say that about other goats like the Boer goat, the Nigerian dwarf, or the New Zealand "Fainting" Kiko.

Finally I decided to write an ode to the ibex, so impressed was I. It was tough. All the good animal poems seemed to have been done. Ybex Ybex Burning Bright, In the Forests of the Night... Bah!

I worked my antlers to the bone, so to speak, but I finally came up with an ode of which I---and the ibex---could be proud.

O Ibex, I admire you
Your hoofies to your horns
And best of all the rockin' name
Upon you fate adorns

They might have called you horny goat
Or Lancelot or Tex
But some bright chap looked up and said
"He looks like... an ibex!"

Your name comes from a Latin word
(And this may bring you closure)
You get the thumbs-up from on high
'Cause God says that you're kosher

Your name may not mean squat to you
As on your Alp you scurry
Perhaps your pals just call you Joe
Or Jefferson or Murray

You may in fact be unaware
"Ibex" is what we call you
Were you to hear our other names
For critters, 'twould appall you

DC or Marvel could conceive
A might Ibex hero
(But after seeing Squirrel Girl
I'd put those odds at zero)

Indeed, so few the gifts of Man
Can aid your lot in life
An ibex run in Central Park?
GoatMatch to find a wife?

We cannot give you hats with holes
Or helpful mountain socks
All we do is hand out names
But check it---IBEX ROCKS.
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