Saturday, December 6, 2014

For a worry-free experience.

The other day I was, uh, straightening up in a restroom when I noticed that there was writing on the stall lock. I always read writing wherever it may be, in the hope of finding bad spelling or grammar. It did not happen in this case, but I did see this:

"Scranton Products: Designed to Be Worry-Free"

At first I thought that was rather silly. The latch on a toilet stall hardly seems to be the thing that keeps people awake at night. "Oh, God, what if the locks that we put on the toilet fail? What if some clever thief defeats our toilet security? We'll be ruined!"

But the more I thought about it, the more I started to worry. Probably everyone has had the humiliating experience of using a can they thought was locked, only to find out in a catastrophic manner---perhaps involving a vindictive sibling or classmate---that it was not. Now I'm starting to worry.

Scranton Products uses this slogan for all the things it provides, like lockers and vanities. If their lockers had been in the New York public schools of my youth, and had indeed been worry-free, they would have been eligible for a Nobel Prize of some sort. We had no lockers. They would not have stayed locked. They'd have just been -ers. We had gym lockers, but only a fool left anything there overnight. In fact, most of us had the experience of having our lockers broken into during gym, which takes some doing. The thugs in my schools were nothing if not dedicated.

So I don't think Scranton could have achieved worryless status in my schools, but in the office or other workplace, I think they can. Their Hiny Hiders (really!) line of bathroom stalls (and locks) seems quite well-made and certain to inspire confidence.

I salute you, Scranton Products, and your fine toilet stalls. Now, if you could come up with some means to force guys to wash their hands after using the Hiny Hiders, we would all feel even less worried.

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