Why, in MY day, pizza was matzo with ketchup on it, and we were thrilled.
Okay, strike that. We did have various kinds of pizza and toppings, but basically you had two varieties: flat and round or fat and square. The fat and square was "Sicilian." The flat and round was "pizza."
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| Flat, round. |
I was all right when Chicago style made it this far east, although by being fat and round it seemed to be violating the code. Still, I was willing to be broadminded about regionalisms.
Variety!
When the California nonsense drifted this way, though, it was clear that something wrong---really wrong---was happening to these pizzas. Things like fruit...if it goes on a tart it should not go on a pizza. And then Pizza Hurt started to do strange and unnatural things with cheese. Injecting it into the crust. Stuffing it in the dough. Strange, unnatural cheese activities.
Clearly, this all has to stop, if it's not already too late. Here, therefore, are The Rules:
THINGS THAT MAY BE ON A PIZZA
Tomato sauce
Mozzarella cheese
Pepperoni
Meatballs
Tomato
Onions
Garlic
Bell pepper
Mushrooms (limited varieties)
Italian sausage
Anchovies (if you must)
Olive oil
Olives
Clams (borderline, though)
Herbs (mainly oregano, basil)
Parmesan cheese
Romano cheese
Parsley
Provolone cheese
Hot pepper flakes
THINGS THAT PROBABLY SHOULD NOT BE ON A PIZZA
Chicken
Squid
Crab
Capers
Broccoli
Fiddleheads
Mushrooms (all the other varieties)
Swiss cheese
Paté
Baloney
Potatoes
Avocado
Shrimp
Pasta
Another crust
Cheddar cheese
Chicken
Squid
Crab
Capers
Broccoli
Fiddleheads
Mushrooms (all the other varieties)
Swiss cheese
Paté
Baloney
Potatoes
Avocado
Shrimp
Pasta
Another crust
Cheddar cheese
THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ON A PIZZA
American cheese
Mustard
Rice
Water chestnuts
Pineapple
Nuts (includes peanuts, peanut butter, hardware)
Turkey
Ginger
Velveeta
Icing and candles
Cinnamon
Booze
Miscellaneous objects
Catfish
Auto parts
Fried eggs
Soylent Green
Peppermint
Breakfast sausage
Chocolate
Sushi
Nickels & dimes
Hair
Lettuce
Gum
Clothing
American cheese
Mustard
Rice
Water chestnuts
Pineapple
Nuts (includes peanuts, peanut butter, hardware)
Turkey
Ginger
Velveeta
Icing and candles
Cinnamon
Booze
Miscellaneous objects
Catfish
Auto parts
Fried eggs
Soylent Green
Peppermint
Breakfast sausage
Chocolate
Sushi
Nickels & dimes
Hair
Lettuce
Gum
Clothing
So these would be my pizza rules. Of course, all this is just my opinion, but I am right and you know I am right. After all you can put anything on something edible and flat, but that doesn't make it pizza.
4 comments:
I came for respite from the chili wars over at the Bleat, and here you are trying to stir up trouble about pizza! FWIW I mostly agree with you, though I will have pineapple on pizza but ONLY with ham or bacon.
Well... since you were kind enough to comment I will not give you a hard time.
After all you can put anything on something edible and flat, but that doesn't make it pizza.
Pizza, according to my historically-Brooklynite wife, is flat, thin crust, tomato sauce with oregano, mozzarella cheese, and that's it. All that other stuff is not pizza. Your final words (quoted above) are the equivalent of a truce, but must be repeated as a re-dedication upon an occasion of pizza consumption.
Raf, upon these words we will build our pizza revolution.
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