They're out there.

They don't tell you this, but people are not generally abducted by aliens. Actually the aliens hypnotize people, using their fiendish mind-control powers to make people self-abduct. One day you're sitting at home, minding your own business. Then the phone rings.

Next thing you know, you're in a sterile white room without your clothes, wondering how you got there. 

The creature was large, round, a strange and wild looking thing with hair on its nose, nothing at all like the depilated bubbleheads one usually sees in science fiction. It attempted to speak English, but I could not understand much of what it said. Perhaps they form language differently where it comes from, rather than with mouth and air. Still, you have to appreciate the effort. 

Even if the alien did not look like what I'd heard, the rest of my encounter of the fourth kind was right on target. Prodding. Light rays. Electric things. Probes. Anal probes. All the while I was as docile and helpless as a baby. Must have been the mind control. 

I was released eventually, finding myself in the middle of town. Thank heaven my clothes had been restored. On the whole it was a horrifying experience, and I'm stocking up on my Reynolds Wrap headgear. 

What really made me mad is the bill I got for the blood test and the the copay.