Friday, June 12, 2015

Fred Hollywood.

No, my books have not been picked up for the movies, but I'm sure they'll all be optioned soon. I hope some smart Hollywood producer will dump a pile of money on me for the rights. Not that I want the movies to be made, because they would ruin the stories; I just want option money. Big Scrooge McDuck piles of option money. Thanks!

Failing that, I'm thinking sponsorship.

This summer's blockbusters seem to have a ridiculous number of sponsor deals. It used to be that the #1 movie would have a sponsorship deal with McDonald's, #2 with Burger King, and the others would go catch-as-catch-can, picking up Subway (which had Green Lantern), Taco Bell (which had the 1998 Godzilla), and so on. Now every movie that comes along has got a sponsor, sometimes many, and it's not just fast food. Inside Out is being sponsored by Clorox and State Farm, for example. When did a Pixar movie ever do this kind of deal? (The Toy Story short "Small Fry" even made fun of the Happy Meal tie-ins.) And to do it with a cleaning product and an insurance company?

Jurassic World, opening today, has got Mercedes Benz and Dairy Queen. Are there two less likely bedfellows than Merc and DQ?

Seems to me I should be able to get my hands on some of this promotion dough. Too late for Jurassic World, although I like to eat ice cream and I've always wanted a Merc. I could have been the bridge between the sponsors! Let's look at some upcoming blockbusters and see how a little dose of Fred could help with the promotions.

Terminator: Genisys (July 1): Fred blogs about the time he fought off a Series 70 Terminator with a stale Twinkie and a badminton racket.

Ant-Man (July 17): Fred explains in depth over the course of a week why Ant-Man is the most rockin' Avenger of all time. Brings in mention of obscure Avengers characters (Jimmy Woo, Elsa Bloodstone, Captain Britain, etc.) to show off his bona fides.

Pixels (July 24): Fred sets up a game of Pac-Man on his blog, totally stealing it from the one Google did.

Mission: Impossible -- Rogue Nation (July 31): Fred takes massive doses of painkillers so he can write about what an awesome thespian Tom Cruise is.

Shaun the Sheep (August 7): Fred dresses his icon as a sheep for two weeks.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (August 14): Fred tries to gin up excitement for International Talk Like Robert Vaughn Day.

Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger II: The Green Destiny (August 28): Hi-YA! Fred turns over the blog to his alternate Wudang personality, Fu Redd, to teach people how to climb walls with their toes and crap like that.

And that's just before Labor Day! So come on, Hollywood; drop Fred some green and let's make movie magic.

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