Sunday, June 28, 2015

Feng Guy.

I've been making a study of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of developing harmony and peace through Chi in the home, office, minivan, dog house, etc., and my main discovery is: Women like this stuff more than men do. Although a great many practitioners and experts are male, women are the ones who buy the books, hire the consultants, and get men to move around the furniture.

I think there's an enormous untapped market here for men, but I just can't see men getting all worked up about it, even if the Five Elements (wood, earth, water, fire, and metal) in the home feature too much water, making them overemotional.

So I've worked up a new school of Feng Shui called Feng Guy, designed with guys in mind. (I am not the first to make a Feng Guy crack, but I didn't know that when I made it up, and I did it all by myself! Besides, I am a feng guy.) I expect I'll be hosting a show about it soon on HGTV, or one of the 600-level channels anyway. Here's a sneak preview of the kind of advice we'll be giving guys.


When you design your bachelor pad, you want to make sure you have a good flow of energy. That's what we Feng Shui efforts know as Chi, which is short for Cheez. I recommend getting that spray cheese, and lots of it. People call it Cheez Whiz, but we experts know that Cheez Whiz is the stuff that comes in the jar; you want Easy Cheese. That's the aerosol. If your Chi is still feeling a little low, order one of those stuffed-crust pizzas, the kind that have all the mozzarella in the crust. That'll get the Chi flowing. 


Guys, we all know that there are three Major Elements in Feng Guy: Rock, Paper, and Scissors. To achieve balance in your place, you need to get lots of rocks, lots of paper, and lots of scissors. The rocks are pretty easy to get, unless you live in the city, in which case you can substitute bricks. Paper should be a snap---in addition to the unpaid bills hanging around on the table, you might have paper towels, or even toilet paper. Come to think of it, you really should have toilet paper. As for scissors, remember, that's just a modern term for ancient cutlery. You know how cool guys with lots of dough like to have big swords over the fireplace? Bingo.


Your man cave can have excellent Chi, and all the elements, but you really need to think big. This is the MAN cave, not the LITTLE GIRL cave. You need to get some effort into it. I'm thinking...

Oh, yeah, baby. That'll Yin your Yang for ya.

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