Monday, June 29, 2015

Ask the Supremes!

The Supreme Court of the United States doesn't just interpret the Constitution and decide case law for 319 million souls; now it answers YOUR questions on all kinds of topics! Let's see what the ol' mailbag has today for the Nine Wise Worthies and their army of clerks. 



Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

I've noticed blood in my stool lately. Should I seek medical help? I would normally go to my primary care physician, but my deductible recently was raised from five hundred dollars to one hundred billion kajillion dollars.

---Concerned in Kalamazoo


Dear Concerned: 

Blood is a natural fluid, and stool is a natural solid. Bloods and stools are therefore compatible on one hand, incompatible on the other. So it could easily be decided either way. We refer to Faex v. Cruor in our deliberation. Our take: sit on it for a while. And that's our ruling.

---SCOTUS



Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

Does it really matter if I use the entree fork on my salad? I hate salad forks with their little tines. But my girlfriend gets real mad when I take her to a nice place and use the wrong fork. She also doesn't like it when I use one to scratch my back.

---Rude in Riverton

Dear Rude:


Rules governing flatware, like those of the Constitution, need to be seen in the light of modern developments. We ask: What is the intent of the law? What do people from other countries think of forks, or even spoons? What makes us think our place settings are so special anyway? Having asked ourselves these questions, we've decided that your girlfriend is a busybody and should pound sand. And that's our ruling.

---SCOTUS



Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

Can I marry my 1998 Subaru Forester? I know it's only 17, but that's over 30 in car years. It is a consenting compact crossover.

---Bedazzled in Bal Harbour

Dear Bedazzled:

As is well known, we are above all experts in affaires de coeur. That said, you certainly bring a vivid meaning to the term crossoverWe all hope not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. No one has proved to us that automobiles have feelings, but then, no one has proven that they don't. A friend of the court mentioned My Mother the Car, the hilarious Jerry Van Dyke comedy, so there's that. Not to mention Herbie the Love Bug. And we have been informed that love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. So what the hell, go for it. And that's our ruling.

---SCOTUS




Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

Is it okay if I eat these peas? You see that the sell-by date on the can was in 2005. But I've heard that some "life hacks" say those dates are just a guideline. What say you?

---Hungry in Haverstraw

Dear Hungry:


We think we can all be grateful that we've reached a point in our society when we no longer worry about the rights of the individual over the rights of the collective. And what is better for the collective than adequate supplies of nourishing food? So yes, Hungry, do your civic duty and enjoy those peas. Otherwise you'll just buy another can and deprive someone else of this finite supply. And if it kills you, well, that's one less mouth to feed. And that's our ruling. 

---SCOTUS




Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

My neighbor's dog is fine, but his cat meows a lot. What can I do?

---Annoyed in Anaheim

Dear Annoyed: 

As our college campuses (or campii) have so courageously shown, the right to never be annoyed, challenged, or bothered in the slightest way is as fundamental as the right to kill inconvenient things. Our take: Cat's in the bag, bag's in the river. 

---SCOTUS


Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

By what authority do you make laws? I'm looking through the Constitution but I can't see anyplace that says you are supposed to make laws. Or any other judges, for that matter. And say, while you're getting inspiration from foreign laws, have you heard of these Ten Commandments? They were very popular overseas a while ago.

---Grumpy in Grosse Pointe

Dear Grumpy:

Hidden in the emanating penumbras of the escutcheon of the Constitution are all kinds of things that you can find if you cover one eye and squint. Trust us, it's in there. You're in contempt. And that's our ruling. Bailiff! 

---SCOTUS


Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

My girlfriend got a restraining order on me, and her father said he would blow my (nasty adjectives) head off with a shotgun if he ever saw my face again. So I thought I'd stop by and say hello. Good idea?

---Wondering in Waco

Dear Wondering:

It sounds like a call for love to us. This may seem like a tricky situation, but remember, we all hope not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. Restraining order? Threats of violence? Feh. All you ask for is equal dignity in the eyes of the law. Go to her and share your message of love. And that's our ruling. 

---SCOTUS





Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

So which U.S. state will be the first to outlaw the Catholic church?

---Apprehensive in Undisclosed

Dear Apprehensive:

You're being a backward-looking, antidemocratic paranoid. We all know that the First Amendment ensures that religious organizations and persons are given proper protection as they seek to teach the principles that are so fulfilling and so central to their lives and faiths, and to their own deep aspirations to continue the family structure they have long revered. So just because your neanderthal belief in Skyman makes you look at your fellow Americans with disgust doesn't mean any religions are going to be outlawed. And that's our ruling. 

---SCOTUS



Dear U.S. Supreme Court:

Come on, really.

---A in U

Dear A:

California. Maybe Oregon. Toss-up.

---SCOTUS


Got a question for the Supreme Court of the United States? Drop it in the comments and wait for dissatisfaction to set in!
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