Q & Author.

Host: Good morning, and welcome to our show. I'm Clarence Sassafras. This is Q & Author, the program where you the public gets to ask them the authors one question. Today's guest is Frederick Key, whose new novel Dwindle, Peak and Pine, has just been released. Good morning, Fred.

Fred: Yo.

Host: All right, let's get to it. Remember, just one question. Who's up first?

Caller 1: Hello, am I on?

Host: Yes. Who's our next caller?

Caller 2: Hi, I'd like to ask, is it really true that you can go to jail for ripping off the mattress tag?

Host: Good question, caller. Fred, over to you.

Fred: Um... That isn't really an issue in any of my writing, but I am pretty sure the penalties only apply to the mattress retailer.

Host: "Pretty sure"? Kind of wobbly there, Fred.

Fred: Yeah, it's not my area of the law. None of them are.

Host: Who's our next caller?

Caller 3: Can I say hi to my dad?

Host: No. Who's our next caller?

Caller 4: Hello, this is Rita from Sweezy Point. I'd like know what Ferd thinks about the situation in the Aleutians.

Host: Good question, there, Rita. Well, Ferd?

Fred: Fred.

Host: If you say so.

Fred: I was unaware of the situation in the Aleutians, Clarence.

Host: You seem rather uninformed, Ferd.

Fred: I don't get out much.

Host: Who's our next caller?

Caller 5: Hello. First time, long time. Wait, did that count as a question?

Host: No, but that one did. Who's our next caller?

Caller 6: OOOH! It's me! Hi, Clarence! It's so great to talk to you! You're just so wonderful! I love your show!

Host: Thank you, Mom, but I'm working right now.

Caller 6: Well, if you'd call me once in a while I wouldn't have to bother you at the office.

Host: Do you have a question for our author?

Caller 6: Sure, why not. Ummmm..... Mr. Author, why are books so bad these days? They're either bloody and gross or stuffy and boring.

Fred: Not all books. In fact, I can recommend --

Host: Mom, you're embarrassing me. Who's our next caller?

Caller 7: Hello, Clarence. Hello, Ferd. I just want --

Caller 6: Clarence, honey, what do you want for dinner on Sunday?

Host: Mom, get off the line! Go ahead, new caller.

Caller 7: I just wanted to know if Ferd has any thoughts on a possible solution to the Riemann hypothesis.

Host: How about it, Ferd?

Fred: Fred.

Host: Him too.

Fred: Can I go yet?

Host: No. Who's our next caller?

Caller 8: This is Rodney. Ferd, I just want to ask you, where do you get your ideas?

Ferd: I swear I have no clue about anything anymore. I'm not even sure what my name is.

Host: And there you have it, another episode of Q & Author. I'd like to thank my guest, Ferd What's-His-Name, and our callers. This is Clarence Sassafras saying: The only dumb question is the one you ask. Good day!