Baby name or microbe?

Ming the Merciless, Ruler of Planet Mongo, Invites You to Play a Round of ...

Baby Name or Microbe!

Based your performance on his tests for Prescription Drug or Fictional Planet, you had better really ace this one ... or you shall become Patient Zero in the Evil Testing Ward! Get out your pencil and paper!

BABY NAME or MICROBE?

1. Yersinia

2. Adamaris

3. Wahchinksapa

4. Demodex

5. Walvia

6. Neisseria

7. Helianter

8. Galido

9.  Ibtesam

10. Xalvadora

11. Ascaris

12. Klavdiya

13. Prokaryote

14. Vibrio

15. Quirtsquip

16. Nipah

17. Archaea

18. Spirilla

19. Jyotika

20. Ulises

👶🍼🦠🔬👶🍼🦠🔬

MERCILESS ANSWERS

1. Yersinia: Microbe -- genus of bacteria including Yersinia pestis, the black plague

2. Adamaris: Baby name -- girl's name, means Noble of the Sea per babynames.com (where Ming got all these baby names)

3. Wahchinksapa: Baby name -- Sioux boy's name; means wise

4. Demodex: Microbe -- a microscopic human mite 

5. Walvia: Baby name -- Native American for medicine root

6. Neisseria: Microbe -- genus of bacteria that includes Neisseria meningitidis, which causes (duh) meningitis

7. Helianter: Microbe -- a subgenera of paramecia

8. Galido: Baby name -- Spanish boy's name of unknown origin

9. Ibtesam: Baby name -- Arabic name for girls, meaning smiling

10. Xalvadora: Baby name -- Spanish for Savior (female version)

11. Ascaris: Microbe -- genus of parasite

12. Klavdiya: Baby name -- Russian for lame (girls' name -- even Ming thinks that's cruel)

13. Prokaryote: Microbe -- single-celled organism with no nucleus

14. Vibrio: Microbe -- bacteria in the family Vibrionaceae

15. Quirtsquip: Baby name -- Comanche, meaning chewing elk

16. Nipah: Microbe -- a type of zoonotic virus (from bats), which can cause encephalitis  

17. Archaea: Microbe -- a type of prokaryote

18. Spirilla: Microbe -- bacteria with a spiral shape, found in stagnant water

19. Jyotika: Baby name -- girls' name, Indian for light or flame  

20. Ulises: Baby name -- alternate Latin form of Odysseus (Ulysses); means to hate


MING CALCULATES YOUR SNIVELING SCORE:

20 -- You're either a huge fan of babies or of diseases; either way, wash your hands!

15-19 -- Ming admires your knowledge and offers you a place in his fiendish organization. He offers you a job naming new minions from among the Cave Monsters and testing evil viruses on them.

10-14 -- Ming tells you to study more and has you given a swirlie in the space toilet.

6-9 -- Ming scoffs and tells you to go back to school. He also calls you a double dumbass, which could get him a stern e-mail from HR. Then he has you given a swirlie in the space toilet.

0-5 -- Ming sends you to work in the evil biological warfare lab. You shall have to survive at least five dread diseases to apply for parole, so you had better hope the scientists are doing a poor job. The last guy who got out had permanent barbershop stripes all over him, like a stick of Fruit Stripe Gum. Mwah ah ah! 

People in song.

Below is a list of persons mentioned in 20 different well-known Christmas songs. Can you name what songs they're mentioned in without hittin' the search engine? Get your pencil and papers and let's get singing!

🎄🎅🤶⛄

1. Tiny Tots with Their Eyes All A-Glow
   
   
2. Parson Brown
   
   
3. Faithful Friends Who Are Dear to Us
   
   
4. Father [pacing the floor]
   
   
5. Your Favorite Girl
   
   
6. Miss Fanny Bright
   
   
7. The Traffic Cop
   
   
8. Kids Jingle-Belling
   
   
9. That Guy I've Been Chasing All Year
   
   
10. The Choir of Children
    
    
11. A Real Famous Cat All Dressed Up in Red
    
    
12. Sister Susie [or Thithter Thuthie]
    
    
13. Vixen and Blitzen [in that order]
    
    
14. Jack Frost Chillin'
    
    
15. Yellow and Red Ones
    
    
16. Little Nell
    
    
17. A Man Who Lives in Tennessee
    
    
18. Barney and Ben
    
    
19. Children Laughing, People Passing
    
    
20. The Mighty King

"Behold, Martians! The Answers!"

1. "The Christmas Song" (Tiny tots, with their eyes all aglow Will find it hard to sleep tonight)
   
   
2. "Winter Wonderland" (And pretend that he is Parson Brown)
   
   
3. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Faithful friends who are dear to us Gather near to us)
   
   
4. "Baby It's Cold Outside" (My father will be pacing the floor)
   
   
5. "A Marshmallow World" (Take a walk with your favorite girl)
   
   
6. "Jingle Bells" (And soon Miss Fanny Bright was seated by my side)
   
   
7. "Frosty the Snowman" (He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop)
   
   
8. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you Be of good cheer)
   
   
9. "Christmas Wrapping" (When what to my wondering eyes should appear In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year)
   
   
10. "Wonderful Christmastime" (The choir of children sing their song)
    
    
11. "Little Saint Nick" (And a real famous cat all dressed up in red And he spends the whole year workin' out on his sled)
    
    
12. "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" (Sister Susie sittin' on a thistle)
    
    
13. "Here Comes Santa Claus" (Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pullin' on the reins)
    
    
14. "Christmas in Hollis" (Jack Frost chillin', the hawk is out, And that's what Christmas is all about)
     
15. "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" (For yellow and red ones Let's stop all the fight)
    
    
16. "Up on the Rooftop" (First comes the stocking of little Nell)
    
    
17. "(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays" (I met a man who lives in Tennessee He was headin' for Pennsylvania, and some home made pumpkin pie)
    
    
18. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" (A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots Is the wish of Barney and Ben)
    
    
19. "Silver Bells" (Children laughing, people passing Meeting smile after smile)
    
    
20. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" (said the shepherd boy to the mighty king)

Score 

1-5: You need to brush up on your Christmas, or your pop culture, or your supermarket music.

6-10: You may not celebrate Christmas, but it's rubbing off on you.

11-15: Not bad, not bad, but you're no holiday culture vulture.

16-19: Good score! You've been listening to the Walmart PA system.

20: Well done! You're the top of the Holiday Heap, baby!

Who am I, anyway?

Readers with long and better than my own memories may recall that last year I was in a huff over Hufflepuff. That is, I took one of those online quizzes like "Which Gilligan's Isle Character Are YOU?" only it was which Hogwarts house would I belong to. And I got Hufflepuff, home of the nice and ineffectual dodos who are mostly in the books to be killed in nasty ways.

Well, recently my wife recommended that I take a serious personality test, one that was much more detailed and nuanced, one that the people in her department had been requested to take to help management make assignments suited to the employees. This test, free online, doesn't just chuck you into one of four houses, but into one of sixteen personality types, based on the good ol' Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator. You can try it yourself!

Turns out my wife is a bold Protagonist type, a natural leader who brings out the best in others. Well, I might have guessed that. She's a smart cookie and a tough egg, or maybe a tough cookie and a smart egg. Either way, she's got a lot on the ball and is a real people person.

Me? I am an INFP-T, a Mediator. Not just a Mediator, but a Turbulent Mediator. The worst kind.

Basically, it means I'm a Hufflepuff. That Harry Potter quiz was pretty solid after all.

Why should this bother me? Well, it says that I'm "introverted, idealistic, creative and driven by high values," which sounds pretty good, although introverts often have a rough ride in the work world. As the name sounds, a Mediator can be useful for resolving disputes -- except that they lack leadership capabilities, so no one listens to them. We couldn't lead a pack of first-graders to an ice cream social.

The Turbulent kind is even worse than the other kind, the Assertive type: "85% of Assertive Mediators say they feel comfortable with themselves, compared to 40% of Turbulent Mediators," according to NERIS Analytics. Maybe the thing that irks me the most is that all the things that INFP-Ts are supposed to be best at (creativity, independent thinking, language and expression, and other dorky pastimes) have led me to a career of layoffs, frustration, and wasting time.

Actually, the thing that irks me the most is that the test results sound exactly like me.

But should I even take anything based on Myers-Briggs seriously? According to the happy-go-lucky STEM types at Scientific American, "psychologists say the questionnaire is one of the worst personality tests in existence for a wide range of reasons. It is unreliable because a person’s type may change from day to day. It gives false information ('bogus stuff,' one researcher puts it). The questions are confusing and poorly worded."

What the boffins recommend instead is the Big 5 Personality Test, which is simpler and uses a continuum to score personality types rather than shuffling people into personality categories.

Okay, brainiacs! That test is available here, so I will take it now!

TEN MINUTES LATER

OKAY, TWENTY BECAUSE NIPPER HAD TO GO PEE

And here are the results:

Going by the results as percentiles, I'm one of the most imaginative people around, and exceptionally agreeable; I am, however, not very outgoing, and I'm basically an unstable lunatic who can't be trusted to do things the right way.

Sadly, this also sounds like me.

Q & Author.

Host: Good morning, and welcome to our show. I'm Clarence Sassafras. This is Q & Author, the program where you the public gets to ask them the authors one question. Today's guest is Frederick Key, whose new novel Dwindle, Peak and Pine, has just been released. Good morning, Fred.

Fred: Yo.

Host: All right, let's get to it. Remember, just one question. Who's up first?

Caller 1: Hello, am I on?

Host: Yes. Who's our next caller?

Caller 2: Hi, I'd like to ask, is it really true that you can go to jail for ripping off the mattress tag?

Host: Good question, caller. Fred, over to you.

Fred: Um... That isn't really an issue in any of my writing, but I am pretty sure the penalties only apply to the mattress retailer.

Host: "Pretty sure"? Kind of wobbly there, Fred.

Fred: Yeah, it's not my area of the law. None of them are.

Host: Who's our next caller?

Caller 3: Can I say hi to my dad?

Host: No. Who's our next caller?

Caller 4: Hello, this is Rita from Sweezy Point. I'd like know what Ferd thinks about the situation in the Aleutians.

Host: Good question, there, Rita. Well, Ferd?

Fred: Fred.

Host: If you say so.

Fred: I was unaware of the situation in the Aleutians, Clarence.

Host: You seem rather uninformed, Ferd.

Fred: I don't get out much.

Host: Who's our next caller?

Caller 5: Hello. First time, long time. Wait, did that count as a question?

Host: No, but that one did. Who's our next caller?

Caller 6: OOOH! It's me! Hi, Clarence! It's so great to talk to you! You're just so wonderful! I love your show!

Host: Thank you, Mom, but I'm working right now.

Caller 6: Well, if you'd call me once in a while I wouldn't have to bother you at the office.

Host: Do you have a question for our author?

Caller 6: Sure, why not. Ummmm..... Mr. Author, why are books so bad these days? They're either bloody and gross or stuffy and boring.

Fred: Not all books. In fact, I can recommend --

Host: Mom, you're embarrassing me. Who's our next caller?

Caller 7: Hello, Clarence. Hello, Ferd. I just want --

Caller 6: Clarence, honey, what do you want for dinner on Sunday?

Host: Mom, get off the line! Go ahead, new caller.

Caller 7: I just wanted to know if Ferd has any thoughts on a possible solution to the Riemann hypothesis.

Host: How about it, Ferd?

Fred: Fred.

Host: Him too.

Fred: Can I go yet?

Host: No. Who's our next caller?

Caller 8: This is Rodney. Ferd, I just want to ask you, where do you get your ideas?

Ferd: I swear I have no clue about anything anymore. I'm not even sure what my name is.

Host: And there you have it, another episode of Q & Author. I'd like to thank my guest, Ferd What's-His-Name, and our callers. This is Clarence Sassafras saying: The only dumb question is the one you ask. Good day!

Name that thing!

What could this be?

Is it...

1) Helipad for wealthy hamsters?

2) Uninspired graffiti?

3) Indication of poorly divinated well site?

4) Hieroglyphics for "I got nothin'"?

5) The "You Are Here" spot indicated on wall maps?

6) Alien spaceship signs?

7) A parking spot for the Birdseye Pea Car?

8) Hobo notification of "only kale here"?

9) Hula hoop practice spot?

10) Ring remaining from wet grass vomited by my lawn mower when it came to a stop?



ANSWER

˙0Ɩ ɹǝqɯnu s,ʇᴉ 'ɥɐǝʎ

It's a head-scratcher.

Dewey Dewey want my love?

Fred as Dewey Decimal Code, courtesy of Spacefem.com:

Frederick Key's Dewey Decimal Section:

229 Apocrypha & pseudepigrapha

Frederick Key = 685458931155 = 685+458+931+155 = 2229


Class:
200 Religion


Contains:
The Bible and other religious texts, books about the general philosophy and theory of religion.



What it says about you:
You don't mind thinking about the unknown or other very big ideas. You will never feel like your work is finished. The 200-series is dominated by Christian topics, so you may feel like you're constantly surrounded by Christians.

Find your Dewey Decimal Section at Spacefem.com

Very interesting, given my longstanding interest in pseudepigrapha and all things pseudepigraphic.

It's one thing to write a book and have Mr. Dewey and His Crewey reduce it to a number; it's another to have your own data plugged in that way. I think they generate the entry based on the letters of your name; you're not asked to give any data about past studies or other interests. And yet they plugged my personality and interests better than any online astrological profile or BuzzFeed quiz I ever took.

I do think about the unknown a lot, and other very big ideas*, my work is never finished, and as soon as I looked up pseudepigrapha** I realized it did mean something of interest to me. I am not, however, a follower of any gnostic gnospels or the like. I've looked into it, and the books of Gnosticism appear to have no basis in early texts of the church. I do not wish to offend, but if you are a devout follower of the Gospel According to Louie (Apostle #42), I'm going to have to call you out on it.

And yes, I often feel like I am surrounded by Christians. Especially at church.

* People often ask me, "Hey, dummy, what's the big idea?"

** Basically means "pen names" but is essentially the same as apocrypha in this use---non-canonical writing. Like the Batman TV show is to the Batman comic book, for instance.