Washing the dog.

Little dog Nipper, who is only just over a hundred pounds, is pretty well behaved at the groomer and can get a bath and haircut, no problem. Big dog Tralfaz, who is larger, has gotten panicky there, and the last time we tried to bring him in he displayed such powerful anxiety that they could not do anything with him.

Most groomers really don't want to work on dogs as big as Fazzy. Hell, I don't either. He'd never bite, but he will try to run, which can still hurt you, and could hurt himself.

But regardless, I have been in charge of bathing him until such time as we can find a groomer willing to work with him. My wife is in charge of giving him trims. She keeps his fuzzy feet from looking like old-man slippers, gets the knots and tangles off him.

Here are the steps I follow for giving Tralfaz a bath. Maybe you'll find it useful if you have to bathe a 130-pound dog.

1) Change into old clothes. Yes, an 1906 cutaway suit and spats would be nice. Failing that, old T-shirt and sweats and socks that look suspiciously like a hole is fixing to bust out. And boots.

2) Set up porch. Towels, bottle of water, showerhead attached to the hose (make sure the water in the hose is not hot after being in the sun). Move flower pot -- we don't want him to come back dirtier. Shampoo. Scissors for any surprise tangles. Grooming leash (a.k.a. choke collar). By now the dog knows something is up, but fortunately he is too big to hide.

3) Bring out Scrubby mitts too, and the new dryer, and treats, and mesh sponge, and brushes, and comb. (This dog needs more product in the shower than my wife does.) Then try to brush out as much loose hair as possible. My dog manufactures hair like General Mills manufactures Cheerios. This part could take a while.

4) Take dog down to yard to pee and maybe -- yes, score! Get that poop out now so that he will be able to keep that behind clean as long as possible.

5) Remove collar, flea collar; put on grooming collar. Wet down the dog. Dog does not appreciate getting wet. I thought dogs liked getting wet?! Not this dog. Starts trying to pull away from grooming leash, which is tied to porch and may bring down the whole porch roof. Tries to shake off water. This is why I wear old clothes.

6) Shampoo dog thoroughly, from neck to tail, as directed. This is like bathing a 130-pound toddler who hates baths. Keep at it. Remember: He stinks. We're doing this for the health of his skin and coat and the fact that he has to be around others tomorrow and we don't want them to faint when they smell him. Once he's somehow all soaped up, get at the tender bits with the Scrubby mitts.

Now we pause for this commercial and distasteful message. Friends, I receive no sponsorship from the makers of Scrubby, but I endorse them strongly. These disposable mitts contain their own gentle soap, so when you get them wet you can clean your canine chum with them safely. You don't even have to rinse them off, just wash and dry. They could replace bathing entirely for small dogs, but I think my guys still need a bath. However, they are excellent for getting up around Tralfaz's face, down around his Mr. Winkie, and especially around his butt, where the hair sometimes collects (distasteful part) dried poop. The Scrubby allows me to dampen that hair and (usually) remove it with no pain to him, then dispose of the cleaning mitt in the trash. Sadly, this time I pulled at the hair too hard and he freaked out. That's on me, not Scrubby.

Where were we? Oh yes:

7) Calm down freaked-out dog with a treat.

8) Rinse, which is more water and he still doesn't like it, ensuring him in happy voice that it's almost over (which comes across as the "blah blah blah Ginger" of Far Side fame, no doubt). When it looks like the soap is gone, turn off the water and let him shake to his heart's content.

9) Dry off with approximately 87 towels.

10) Brush the damp hair; remove more loose hair. Try new dog hair dryer with attached brush. Find it getting stuck in his hair. Call wife urgently.

11) Try to make self useful as wife demonstrates that the hair has to be combed first. Bring in damp towels; start load in laundry with bleach or Lysol Laundry Santizer. (They're too wet to burn.) Throw away old Scrubby. Bring in showerhead, shampoo, etc.

12) Marvel at how dry the Mrs. got the dog, who is looking happy and clean and very, very tired now.

13) Walk baby dog Nipper, who is extremely jealous at this point.

14) Go hide somewhere until the pain wears off enough to take your own damn shower.