Saturday, September 10, 2016

Whipped.

I remember when I was a kid and visiting a friend's house, and his mother made me a sandwich at lunchtime using Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise. I mean, we knew they were weird, but not THAT weird.

We were mayo people, though, so while I found it a refreshing change, I generally stuck to mayo, and just enough to moisten the bread at that. Later I was exposed to Miracle Whip in the means by which it was originally intended, as a dressing for a large salad. I was surprised to find it good, but still didn't buy it, didn't get Whiplash, if you will.


Then I married a Miracle Whipicionado, a big fan of the stuff, for use on sandwiches of all sorts. Mostly, though, she loved it for potato salad. I, too, became a fan of Miracle Whip potato salad, as M.W. with celery, tasty little potatoes, and onions made a delightful side dish. We made a big pot of it at least once every summer.

But it all began to go wrong.

Horribly wrong.

At first we blamed ourselves. Too much salt. Not enough pepper. Potatoes were so-so. Celery was woody, hard. Onion too potent. Something was wrong.

Same thing happened next time.

And next.

And next.

Then my wife realized that the cold cut malaise her sandwiches had been suffering from had one key element in common with the potato salad---the Miracle Whip.

But Kraft had been making the stuff since 1933. Surely, no one there would be stupid enough to change the formula.

Oh, yes. Yes they did.

Kraft claims that the change came in 2006, that the price of raw materials had risen but the price their retailers would allow them to sell the stuff for had not, and so Kraft had no choice but to ruin the product.


The thing is, we didn't notice the change for a while after that, so I suspect that Kraft, having found its principles easy enough to sell, found it easier and cheaper next time. I put it to you that Miracle Whip, having been cheapened once, has been cheapened again, and now it bears little resemblance to the proud condiment of yore. Their claim that Walmart made them ruin Miracle Whip doesn't hold water. They're saying that M.W. survived World War II, the recessions of the seventies and eighties, riots and the Cold War, and in 2006 they had to change it because what? The price of high fructose corn syrup went up? Stargate SG-1 got canceled? Don Knotts died? What?

Sounds like bullwhip to me.

Shame on you, Kraft! Shame! 

What else are you NOT telling us, Kraft?

Are Jet-Puffed marshmallows being puffed up with Styrofoam now? Is Planters going to substitute circus peanuts for peanuts? Is Grey Poupon no longer being exchanged between plutocrats in limos, but by homies in hoopty wagons?

Kraft and Heinz have merged, have closed seven plants and laid off thousands of workers, and despite all this Kraft won't wise up and give the people what they want. They want to increase profitability at the cost of being able to create, manufacture, aspire---you might even say craft fine products.

You get the feeling the joint is being run by jerks and meatheads?
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