Fred's diet tips.

Everyone knows that Fred is in awesome shape, if you like round. And I'm not one to hoard all this good health to myself. I'm pleased, therefore, to share with you my diet tips for healthy Fredlike living. 

* A lot of people like the Paleo diet, where you eat like a caveman, but I think it's nuts. Have you seen the size of the brontosaurus ribs Fred Flintstone eats? No wonder he's fat. If you really want to lose weight, do the Ice Age diet. Eat lots of ice. 

* If you haven't seen your kneecaps since Britney Spears was a Mouseketeer, you may wish to leggo the Eggo once in a while. 

* Exercise outside and get fresh air and sunshine. Fresh air is full of pollen, though, and sunshine will give you melanoma. On second thought, forget it. 

* Vegetarians are people who eat lots of vegetables. Vegans are people who eat lots of vega. Since there's no such thing as vega, they are hungry and mad most of the time. Eat meat and save yourself the worries.

Fish is healthy, but frying it is bad. Try broiling it instead.

* Don't rely on crash diets to take down your weight. Teddy bears don't eat and they're all chubby.

* Organic food is supposed to be healthier, so you can eat twice as many calories if they're organic. Or something.

* If you were the kind of kid who would eat a bug for a dollar, remember that bugs are mostly protein. Look into restarting this as a home business. Not only are people paying for your meals, but you're turning a tidy profit, and you're ridding the word of icky bugs at the same time. But don't sell yourself short: set up a sliding scale based on how gross each bug is. Pro tip: Even if you get a good offer, don't eat boogers, yours or anyone else's.

* People say foods like Twinkies and Pop-Tarts are garbage, but it's clear that raccoons, seagulls, and crows live perfectly well on garbage. Go ahead and eat them.

* Beer-braised short ribs: good. Beer-braised corn flakes: less good.

* A lady I know has lost a significant amount of weight since her daughter and granddaughter moved in. She says it's from chasing the kid. This is a good plan, and if you have no grandchild handy, get two active dogs. I haven't sat down since July.

* If you do somehow gain possession of a puppy or a small child or something else that needs a lot of sleep, you will immediately discover that every pot, pan, plate, and cooking utensil in your house is, at the slightest touch, as loud as a brass band falling down a staircase. Screw it; order in.

* Actual tip: A former coworker, when needing to drop five pounds in a hurry, would go on the pizza diet. One unadorned slice for each meal for a week. No pepperoni, sausage, anything. Flat Neapolitan style, of course, not Sicilian. She claimed it worked fine, and I'd guess it stopped all pizza cravings for months afterward.

* Do not count on the dog to eat your kale for you. He's looking at your ice cream.

* Is your doctor fatter than you are? Then you must be okay.

* If not, you can join one of those programs where they bring you all the food you're allowed to eat, easily heated and consumed. I have known several guys who have followed these programs, with really dramatic results. And every single one of them without exception put it all back on and more as soon as they went off the diet.

* To hell with it. I'm going for a Philly cheesesteak and fries. Get in the car.