Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Moloch issues an apology.

Ninth Circle, Hell---Moloch today issued an apology, with clarification, for the recent events surrounding his office regarding the .release of an undercover videotape.

"Believe me, I am as shocked as you are," said the one-time pagan god, currently chief among Satan's angels. "Those of us who take very seriously the concerns of our worshipers know that we do not treat such things and the concurrent accusations lightly."

Moloch's office claims to have been "completely unaware" that some of its priests, after having sacrificed children on the altar, were then selling the parts of the children for use as food, fertilizer, or diabolical research.

"Boy, is my face red."
"Our priests are specially trained to have the victim's spotless flesh completely consumed by flame," said the evil creature of the pit. "In no way are any bits and pieces supposed to be leftover for sale to pad their own pockets." Moloch maintained that "Our top priority is the compassionate care we provide by the killing and destruction of sacrificial victims. Destruction really is Job One here."

The current controversy was sparked by the emergence of a secret video of one of Moloch's priests, Dr. Splackworth, who thought he was lunching with a diabolical researcher from New York University. The undercover videographer claimed to be interested in buying "leftovers" from Moloch's sacrifices, which Splackworth enthusiastically supported. In a second video released today, Splackworth was seen haggling over prices with the videographer, hoping "to get a new chariot out of this, something racy."

"The heavily edited video, concocted for political gain, in no way reflects our way of doing business here," continued Moloch's statement. "Although admittedly Dr. Splackworth's behavior was a bit embarrassing, rest assured that we aim to completely annihilate the children we kill."

In a followup statement, Moloch's office noted that "No one profits from our killing, except of course those who send the kids to extinction requesting our help." The statement added that Dr. Splackworth has been relocated to a new office in Hell, pending outcome of Moloch's infernal investigation.

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