As you can see, we've broken the staff into three major groups -- avians, humans, and inanimate objects. That was our initial task. It was suggested that we instead group music-makers together, but there was too much gray area about which avians sing and which don't. Also, whether dancing and leaping constituted music. So, this was the basic breakdown decided upon.
Now, right off the bat you can tell there's going to be some major changes. The avians are no longer grouped around the golden rings; the partridge and the pear tree have been separated. We think this will help clarify the purpose for each member, and make management more focused on their needs.
Will this change the numbers of each? Yes, to be frank, some will be changed. Most interior groups will not be affected; in fact, the human groups will remain as is. And for the avians, there will be a net gain of four new hires, so I think you ought to be happy with that. Here is the new overall arrangement:
12 Drummers (drumming)11 Pipers (piping)10 Lords (a-leaping)9 Ladies (dancing)8 Maids (a-milking)7 Swans (a-swimming)6 Geese (a-laying)5 Calling Birds (a-calling)4 French Hens (a-Frenching)3 Turtle Doves (a-doving)2 Partridges (doing whatever they do)1 Golden Ring (just lying there)Pear Tree
So, you -- oh, okay, I see some hands and wings up out there. Yes, Partridge? Right... right... No, we appreciate that you've always worked alone, but maybe you ought to consider the advantages of sharing the limelight. Not that we don't love your solo act! But why should everything fall on you all the time? Just think about it for a while. This is to benefit you!
Yes, Maids? Oh, you did? Well, I'm not sure where you got that idea, but if we did increase the maid workforce that would just require an increase in the cow workforce, you see? I know you work very hard, but the contract calls for one cow per maid, even if the cows don't particularly get a mention. These are implied cows, yes.
No, Ladies, I'm sorry, this is not the time or place to take up your grievances with the Lords. Please call my office after the holidays and we'll try to work out a meeting. Meanwhile, Lords, please stop taking things from the Ladies' dressing room. If you need makeup or undergarments to perform your duties, you should be discussing it with your manager.
Okay! So let's... What's that? Gold Rings? Well, I'm sorry, Rings, but as inanimate objects, you really have no standing to complain. The layoffs will be done by seniority. Last in, first out. Yes, yes, that does mean Ollie will be the ring staying on. I didn't want to discuss it this way, but those are your union rules. Remember, though, you're at all-time high value and are a great hedge against inflation -- all the radio ads say so. You'll get snapped up quick.
Uh -- what was that, Hens? Oh, I'm glad you asked. Yes, this will apply in languages throughout our territory. In Canada, that means you'll be the Four French Hens as well as Quatre Poules Françaises. Naturally in France you'll just be Quatre Poules. In China it will be right to left and vertical, while in Israel it's backward. Those aren't big markets for us, though.
Thanks everybody! I think we have everything squared away. Let's go make this the best 12 Days ever!
Oh, and Pear Tree? May I see you in my office for a moment...?
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