Death by fruitcake.

Halfway through December I mentioned the danger of springing fruitcake on an unsuspecting public, and commenter Dan (hi, Dan!) noted that he, like us, enjoys fruitcake. We used to get the Freihofer's fruitcake, which is the one my wife used to bring me over to the dark side, but they were bought by Mexican baking giant Bimbo, who proceeded to get rid of Freihofer-branded confectionery goods and concentrate on ruining their breads. So, we started to cast about to either find a good replacement or a good recipe.

Here is the one that we tried last year successfully; King Arthur Flour, which is trying to differentiate itself from the Gold Medals and Pillsburys of the world by spreading misinformation about bleached flour, nevertheless has fine recipes, including this one. The only change we made this year was to up the spice level, add some cardamom, clove, and ginger, and use a layer of pfeffernusse icing rather than syrup for a topping. The finished product:

It is a moist, flavorful cake, loaded with good fruit (none of that weird candied peel or other hard bits), and feels like a dessert, not a chore. You can booze it up, but our version had to be boozeless for a varied audience, so we stuck with cranberry juice as the liquid ingredient. We intend to take some with us to a post-Christmas gathering to help convince the scoffers.

Fruitcake is an interesting substance, as it is one of the few foods that meets my Can It Kill? test. That is, is the object at hand mobile enough and hard enough to kill a guy? This is what comes of growing up watching cop shows and reading mystery stories.

Objects that pass the test include a hammer (hard, mobile), bullet (hard, mobile), Buick (hard, mobile), and knife (hard, mobile). Objects that fail are cookie (soft or brittle), piano (immobile), and bed sheet (gentle). Cheese is debatable; the wheel would have to be very large.

The batter for this cake weighs a ton, but can be lifted by the healthy, and if you dropped the bowl on someone's head I think it might kill him. However, I would suggest that you not hire a mob cannon who specializes in fruitcake murders. That kind of M.O. is easily traced by the cops, and a guy like that is going to sing, I am certain of it.

Besides, good fruitcakes are better for eating than murder. I think if I start a bakery, that will be my slogan.