On the first day of Advent...

My true love gave to me....

Nuttin'.

I've seen all kinds of Advent calendars. I think we had one once when I was a kid, one of those cardboard things with really cheap chocolate behind the doors. I don't remember following it every day, and I'm willing to bet that some kid -- possibly me -- busted into it when no one was looking and ate all the lousy chocolate. Not the kind of thing I'd do normally, as I've always been craftier than that, but I may have been desperate. You'd have to be to eat that stuff.

Other Advent calendars I've seen have been very elaborate, very well built, suitable for reuse year after year. You'd be obliged to come up with something good for that kind of calendar. A plain Hershey's Kiss behind the door would be gauche. That's at least Ghirardelli-level craftsmanship. (You can still get some beautifully made ones these days if you're willing to come across with some scratch.)

I have to say it, but Funko's Harry Potter Advent Calendar may be the lousiest excuse for an Advent Calendar I've ever seen. There's nothing Christmassy about it. I know they celebrated Christmas at Hogwarts, but -- snowflake-flecked box aside -- from this product you'd be excused for thinking they were just a pack o' pagans in the wizarding world.

I thought I'd do an Advent calendar for you right on this site, dear reader; every day until Christmas I would post some candy that, through the magic of Christmas and the Internet, would appear on your screen and in your mouth. Unfortunately, there were three small flaws with that plan. 1) I started this project today, December 2, and while that may be the first day of Advent, most Advent calendars are numbered 1 to 24, with the intent of opening a little door each day in December. And 2) It doesn't work; I'm not Willy Wonka. And 3) This is the only candy I had available.

And I don't think you look that desperate.