Hangover treatments.

Well, kids, tomorrow is the first Friday of Yuletide, which means the round of parties has begun. For some of you, that may basically mean a month-long hangover, or perhaps a month-long blackout that resolves itself with you on January 2, in Paterson, New Jersey, wondering what became of your trousers. Yes, it can get that bad.

But it was so much fun getting that way.

My days of suffering are behind me, but don't let me spoil your fun! In fact, I hope to be of service. Here are Uncle Fred's 10 hangover treatments, sure to give you at least the illusion of doing something. Notice I don't call them cures; there is no cure but time.

1) Alka-Seltzer or its components
John Stossel, whom I do respect, made a mark early in his career by drilling Alka-Seltzer for combining a stomach medicine in a formula that includes a stomach irritant (aspirin, or acetylsalicylic acid). But I have found that the stomach med (sodium bicarbonate) is strong enough to neutralize the aspirin side effects. Alka-Seltzer was always secretly a hangover cure, but it was billed as a treatment for everything from eating too much (then why the aspirin?) to the common cold (then why the sodium bicarbonate?). It does work if you can choke it down; if not, try two or three aspirin and some Brioschi or Gaviscon. You may prefer Advil or another painkiller; after all, the creator of ibuprofen first took it for a hangover. But I'd avoid the Tylenol (acetaminophen); hasn't your liver suffered enough today?

2) Water
Dehydration is a major part of the hangover misery. Make it a point to get those eight 8-oz. glasses in, even if you throw the first one up. Not all at once; one an hour until you feel better, maybe. There's such a thing as water intoxication, and it's no fun. Gatorade and similar drinks are more helpful in small doses, because of the electrolytes, but you shouldn't drink that much of them.

3) V8
The last thing you probably want to look at is some acidic drink with a tomato-juice base, especially if you got that way drinking Bloody Marys. But tomato juice really helps a hangover. I have no idea why, and I'm not going to look it up on some Web site written by some kid who knows even less about medicine than I do. Anyway, V8 juice works even better. I think it's saltier than normal tomato juice, which may be why. As I said, got to get those electrolytes back.

4) Coca-Cola
A friend of mine swore by two big Cokes to get through the morning after. I found it effective, and the caffeine helps you get functioning. I thought Cherry Coke was a little better, but to each his own. Use the full-sugar stuff.

5) Hot bath
For those really crushing hangovers, a good, hot bath may be the way to go. Better then a shower, if you have the time. Helps sweat out all the garbage while it gets all the drunky stink off ya. And it gives you something to do while you're waiting to see if you'll die.

6) Vitamin B complex
Some people say you don't need vitamin supplements, if you have a decent diet and get some sunshine. Others say large doses of D or C will prevent illness. Others say you lose B vitamins when you drink, and that causes hangovers. Others (there may be some crossover) tell tales of wealthy tipplers and celebrity carousers whose private doctors give them shots of vitamin B. I'm not sure who's right, but I'll tell you that some homebrewers say the sediment in homemade beer has lots of vitamin B, and they claim you seldom get the hangovers from their beer that you might from store-bought beer. I say, try a big capsule of B complex before going to bed and when you get up.

7) Big sandwich
People bothered by stomach upset after a big night sometimes recommend a large meal, something quick, like a big sandwich. A little ballast to settle the ship. Maybe steak and eggs. Others will begin to throw up at the idea. Maybe that will help them feel better too. Anyway, it's a thought.

8) Sleep
Really, your body needs time to get that booze out. If you don't have someplace you have to be -- like, say, you're scheduled to perform brain surgery that morning -- then just get some more sleep. Give your liver a chance.

9) Hair of the dog
This probably works better than anything else you might wish to try, but as your doctor I must recommend against it. Okay, I'm not your doctor, or a doctor at all, but it's just a bad idea. Many an alcoholic will claim that the moment he crossed the line into full-blown disease was the moment he discovered the curative effects of the morning drink. Next thing he knew, he went from taking a hair of the dog to taking the whole dog. Remember: Once you're a pickle, you'll never be a cucumber.

10) Lawyer
A lawyer may not make you feel physically better, but if the aftereffects of your drinking are truly horrendous, involving loss of work or home or spouse or car or freedom, it's the treatment you need. Look in the yellow pages; the ones that deal with drinking incidents usually manage to work it into their ads. Good luck, champ.