Saturday, May 6, 2017


I'm so distraught. A major celebrity was here in the Hudson Valley and I missed the whole thing.

Yes, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile made an appearance a few towns over at a supermarket, and where was I? Working, like a loser.

The Wienermobile (or Wienermobiles, as there is a fleet of six) makes tours throughout the country in the spring and summer, spreading Oscar Mayer love throughout the land. Decades ago Dave Barry wrote a famous column about picking up his son from school in the Wienermobile, and ever since I read it I've wanted to get behind the wheel of that sweet sausage and go for a ride.

Of course, that's the problem; I would hardly be content to go see the vehicle, meet the pilots (or "Hotdoggers)," and gracefully accept a whistle and whatever other freebies might be on hand. Oh, no. I'd have to try to distract everyone ("Look! Some guy in a relish truck!") and slip in the door. If I was very lucky the keys would be in it; I don't think I can hot-wire a hot dog.

Yes: I would commit Grand Theft Wiener.

Like cop cars, the Wienermobile has a PA system, so I expect my getaway would make for some loud conversations between myself and the police:


"Never! You'll never take my Wiener!"


"That's what you think! Earl Scheib, here I come!"

I'm not sure it would be safe for children to hear. I am sure it would be the #1 police chase video in the history of YouTube.

I guess I will have to content myself by playing with the free Wienermobile app. If that's not enough, I can get the Wienermobile parking sign for my garage.

Everyone would know this was
my spot.

Then again, if the Oscar Mayer people could only hear the song I wrote following the death of Chuck Berry (so he can't sue), they might just invite me to drive the thing:

Driving along in the Wienermobile
My mustard beside me at the wheel
I stole a bite at the turn of a mile
Ev'ry one of my taste buds runnin' wild...

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