Big bite.

I know you think that Fred is a tower of accomplishment, considering his humble beginnings. Well, as they say, I started out with nothing and I've still got most of it left. 

And indeed, my proudest accomplishments may go back to my earliest days. Schoolwork? Aced it. First jobs? No sweat. Eat a Scooter Pie in one bite? 

Hell, YEAH!

If you're not from the Northeast, allow me to introduce you. The Scooter Pie is a marshmallow / graham / chocolate confection, similar to the MoonPie. In fact, I think nowadays it's identical, since Burry's no longer makes the Scooter Pie, focusing instead on unbranded foods for supermarkets and foodservice. Now the S.P. is made by Chattanooga Bakery, the same outfit that makes MoonPies. In its heyday, and I swear this is true, the Scooter Pie was the biggest cookie of its type around. As you can see above, they used a cartoon giant as its mascot. "Giant of a Cookie"! Yes indeed!

Ironic, though, because it was supposedly named after five-foot-six shortstop Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto.

One day I and the lads were sitting around doing something stupid -- watching a game or playing cards or D&D -- and one of the guys claimed he could shove a whole Scooter Pie in his mouth and eat it. Scoffing was produced, and he was forced to attempt the act, which resulted in a quick shove of the giant cookie in his maw, followed by choking and the spitting back out of said cookie. Taking a fresh Scooter Pie from the box, I unwrapped it and stuffed it in my mouth, and began to chew. And chew, and chew. Some minutes later, I had completely and safely masticated and swallowed that cookie.

RESPECT, Y'ALL

Now, of course, my friends by then had moved on to something more interesting than watching me eat, like watching commercials. I said, "Hey, I finished it in one bite!" I may have gotten a quick thumbs-up. Maybe not. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

Ah, triumphs of youth! Many times when the road was rocky, the progress slow, I reminded myself that I alone among my friends consumed an entire Scooter Pie with one bite (and many, many chews). Such things keep one warm when the night is at its coldest and darkest.