Stick tongue to frozen
flagpole - $3
Place tongue on frozen
flagpole to see if it sticks
Tell Jenny Firbinks you
like her - $2
A heartfelt expression of
your fondness for the cutest girl in sixth grade,
delivered with subtlety and wit
delivered with subtlety and wit
Eat a bug - $2.50
Watch as a largish bug from
the recess yard is chewed and consumed, possibly with the addition of a packet
of the bogus non-brand-name ketchup from the cafeteria
Yell out an F-bomb during third-period Social Studies - $2
Entertain the class with a
hilarious, loud, and unexpected effenheimer, enlivening the coverage of the
Crimean War and making Ms. Schneez so mad you can see the hairs on her mole
tremble
Tell Elton Wangenstein that he’s a fat greasy toad bastard - $4
Inform the most dangerous
man in sixth grade of his personal shortcomings on your behalf, with your name
withheld for safety purposes
Forge a note from your mom or your doctor - $5
Risk suspension on your
behalf by forging a note to explain your absence or lack of completed
assignment, using superior penmanship and real grown-up-type stationery
Superglue Max Hock’s ass to a chair - $6
Risk suspension on your
behalf by committing the ultimate practical joke on menacing Max Hock, who beat
you up in the locker room a week ago and who has it coming (and used to pick
his nose and eat it in the first grade, you know he did)
Jump off a roof - $8
No more than two
stories—service can be offered to test that parachute you claimed to have made
from an old twin bed sheet
Steal Jenny Firbanks’s bra from the girls’ locker room - $10
A delicate and dangerous
operation, requiring stealth and cunning, but oh what a reward
—half of fee must be paid up front
—half of fee must be paid up front
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