The cultural police never sleep.

Cultural Police Blotter -- Friday, Sept. 15

08:20 -- A white man was seen wearing a gi in public; when questioned by CP officers he claimed he was going to judo class. Police took him to the station for further questioning, and he was released seven hours later with a stern warning. His clothing was confiscated.

09:35 -- Two white men were found at a statue of Abraham Lincoln that had been painted red with the word RACIST written multiple times around the base. The men, who carried soap and other cleansing agents, claimed to be cleaning up the graffiti. They were immediately arrested and charged with violating free speech.

10:15 -- A man in a black mask was detained by officers for throwing rocks through the windows of the Jewish temple off Oppressed Peoples Circle. The man was questioned, and he explained that he was not a Nazi fascist protesting the Jewish grip on the world economy, but rather an antifascist socialist protesting the racism of the Jews against Muslims. Under the circumstances, his rocks were returned to him and he was released.

12:00 -- CP officers maintained their usual position outside the municipal food court to ensure no cross-cultural cooking and serving would occur (Indian food must be prepared and sold by Indians, Thai food by Thais, etc.). A new supposedly Canadian food cart, Pretty Good Grub Eh?, was investigated and flagged for nonconformity pending further review.

14:08 -- A riot was reported on the campus of St. Jude University, with a request for help from CP Squad. The LT on duty discovered that the "riot" was actually 10,000 students in masks burning books, assaulting faculty, beheading religious statues, barricading doors, and burning cars on campus in response to a proposed visit from Sister Mary Anthony of the Little Sisters of the Poor. The LT instructed University officials to cancel the proposed visit and did not otherwise respond.

14:30 -- Two Caucasian girls from Mumia Abu-Jamal Middle School were observed on the street wearing anime T-shirts. CP officers covered them in standard issue blackout robes and escorted them home to change into something more race-appropriate.

16:10 -- A CP officer was fired upon by a female in a red Yugo. As the officer was only mildly wounded and the race of the assailant was undetermined, no arrest was made.

16:49 -- A white cisnormative male, an employee of  Dalton Whizner Media Corporation, was reported to have referred to a friendly African American male coworker as "brother." Following his dismissal from his position he was escorted out of the office by CP officers and warned to stay more than ten thousand yards away from the building for the rest of his life.

18:03 -- CP officers responded to a call claiming a white woman was preparing Chinese food for her family. Upon arrival at the scene the woman was identified as positively white, and her "chop suey" was examined. The woman was arrested; she was later fined $150 for unauthorized cultural appropriation and released with a warning.

20:30 -- CP officers were called in response to an altercation on Sumiteru Taniguchi Boulevard, where several Native Aboriginal Tribesmen were engaged in fisticuffs with some Guatemalan-born acitizenal residents. When officers established order they were informed that the Natives had accused the Guatemalans of being white, the latter having descended from Spaniards of Spain. The Guatemalan-born residents took offense and then violence broke out. Eighteen were wounded, eleven critically. No arrests were made.

22:45 -- CP officers were called to reports of a house party in progress at City College; white college students were found to be celebrating something they referred to as "Mehican Independence Day." Many sombreros, ponchos, fake mustaches, and tacos were in evidence. CP officers surrounded the house, placing all non-Mexican-descended students under arrest; they were taken to headquarters to wait arraignment in the morning. Evidence collected by police included sombreros, ponchos, fake mustaches, and especially the tacos.

23:30 -- Calls from passersby indicated sounds of shouting inside O'Murphy's Oirish Pubbe. Upon arrival, CP patrolpersons were informed that a non-Irish patron had entered the bar affecting an outrageous brogue and demanding a pint of Guinness and a potato. Upon investigation the CP officers discovered that the would-be patron was Italian, but transsexual. The bar was immediately closed down and all the micks arrested and thrown in the paddy wagon.