***Rio Olympics officials denied that the swimming pools' turning green was caused by an algae outburst due to poor maintenance, but rather insisted that the "festive color" was "reflective of our people's love for Carnaval!"
***A strange event during the soccer preliminaries: Lorelei Clarkton of Canada beat another player to death during the game. Referee Cames Jomey refused to call a foul on the play, saying that while Clarkton was "extremely careless" in her play and that "there was evidence of potential violations" regarding the rules of competition, nowhere was manslaughter "strictly prohibited" and therefore no penalty would be assigned. "To be clear, this is not to suggest that in similar circumstances, a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences," he added.
***The Women's Coxless Pair rowing final was disturbed by the presence of two stupid American teenagers who were unable to control themselves following the announcement of the event.
***Bob Costas stormed off the set of last night's coverage when informed that the International Olympic Committee had voted him Official Olympics Sports Hamster.
***The Rio Olympics saw another first--the first competitor representing Vatican City--as Father Frank Columbo, S.J., the Jumpin' Jesuit, ran in the Men's 200 meter hurdles. Sadly, Fr. Columbo did not qualify for the finals, but he did bless everyone before heading off to the bar.
***Michael Phelps proved to be an excellent sport when beaten in the 100 meter butterfly by Joseph Schooling of Singapore. However, the first guy who told him "You got schooled!" got a punch in the nose.
***The U.S. curling team, having managed to show up for the wrong Olympics, headed home, only to wind up in Rhodesia, having gotten so lost that they landed in a nation that no longer exists. Further reports on their progress as they come in.