Further U.S. Olympics team news:
***Michael Phelps won his 19th career Olympic gold medal in the men's 4 x 100 freestyle relay. His mom immediately shipped the medal home to his Medals and Trophies Vault, in which Phelps likes to swim around like Scrooge McDuck between competitions.
***Americans were very pleased that the first gold medal of these Games was awarded to 19-year-old Ginny Thrasher, who pulled an upset in the women's 10-meter air rifle event. Sadly, America did not medal in the men's 10-meter Nerf rifle event later that day. Nerf coach Tommy Zipp said. "We really thought Hank Klotzman was going to get the gold in this, his second Olympics, but we're so proud of him. So much poise for a nine-year-old."
***Sheryl McGlurk, swimming in the 400 m butterfly finals, came in dead last. She later admitted that she probably would have had a better time if she hadn't stopped "for a sammich" halfway through. "I just got real hungry," she explained.
***American 130 kg Greco-Roman wrestler Herb Smeel told coaches today that he wants to be introduced to matches wearing his specially made gold lamé robe and head scarf, gold chains, and aviator glasses as Mighty Max Mauler, the Cincinnati Slayer. Negotiations are continuing.
More stories as they come in, sports fans! Or as fast as we can make them up.