We're well into Lent now -- Easter is a month from Saturday -- so it's time to see how we're doing with our Lenten discipline. Old Fred is here to answer all your questions on Lent.
Q: Do I have to eat fish on Fridays? I hate fish.
A: No, you don't have to eat fish. You just have to eat no meat. Vegetarians got it made.
Q: I always heard Catholics had to eat fish on Fridays.
A: During Lent we are supposed to avoid meat on Fridays, but before the reforms of Vatican II Friday was always a meatless day. However, all Fridays are still considered important days of penance and sacrifice (Friday being the day Jesus died), and Catholics are under a grave obligation to observe it, even if they can now eat a hamburger on Friday. As you can see, there's a lot more to Catholic discipline then food.
Q: Can you, like, eat Spam on Fridays during Lent, since that's not, like, meat?
A: No, we can't. Spam is meat.
Q: Are you sure?
A: Look, can we talk about something other than food?
Q: You said before that people will sometimes take on a good activity rather than get rid of a bad activity during Lent.
A: Yes. Some people might commit to praying a rosary once a week, or making financial donations, or doing something nice for a stranger daily. Use your imagination.
Q: My boss is an ass. How can I talk him into giving up being an ass for Lent?
A: Is he a Christian?
Q: I don't know.
A: If he's really a mean person, then he may be a ChrINO, or Christian In Name Only. Or he may be something else. Odds are if he belongs to a religious community it does not condone being an ass anyway, but you never know. He could be part of a sect called Pals of Assmodeus, who dedicate themselves to being jerks. What you ought to do is pray for him.
Q: I should WHAT?
A: Do not repay insult with insult, or plot revenge. Pray for patience and pray for good things for your boss.
Q: Like an anvil dropping on him from a ten-story building.
A: That's not a good thing.
Q: It'd be good for me.
A: I think rather than worrying about your boss, you may want to worry about yourself more right now.
Q: Would Soylent Green be kosher for Lenten Fridays? It's sorta not meat.
A: I don't even know where to start on how wrong that one is.
Q: These days of abstinence -- does that mean no sex?
A: No, it doesn't. It only applies to diet.
Q: That's better than Spam.
A: Hormel will be crushed.