ROME, JULIUS 2, CXXIII (AP) -- The Gladiators of Rome made a formal demand yesterday for a new amphitheater, citing "barbaric conditions" in the current Flavian structure.
"We understand that this so-called Colosseum was constructed at tremendous expense to the Roman taxpayer," said head gladiator Scarrus Maximus, the survivor of XIII bouts, speaking for the team, "but the current amphitheater is more than XL years old now, and showing its age. We think we, our fans, and the citizens of the Roman Empire deserve a better venue for our battles to the death."
Scarrus, a Secutor on the team and a graduate of Aurelius Scaurus, sent his statement to Emperor Hadrian and the Senate, as he was unable to personally address the government at the Forum, being lowly slave scum.
Among the demands from the Gladiators in their proposed new "state of the art amphitheater" are:
- Luxury boxes for the ladies in the maenianium summum in ligneis level
- Reinstatement of the navy battles from the pre-hypogeum days
- Vino fountains
- More chariot parking with room for horsegating parties
- Picnicus area
- Separate dressing rooms for fighters, convicts, and Christian martyrs
- More pleasant Porta Libitina for dead gladiators to be dragged out through
- Flag signalling (for thumbs up, down, and new sideways option)
- Fresh sand every I to II weeks
- Valerium that covers the infield
- Reinstatement of Taco Tuesday
It is well known that Alexandria has expressed interest in becoming the new hometown to the Gladiators, and has announced plans for a major new amphitheater of its own.
Emperor Hadrian, traveling in Cappadocia, was unavailable to comment, but a spokesman said the Emperor was "glad to accept the concerns of our combatants" and he would "probably crucify the lot if they don't knock it off."
Speaking through a representative, and the iron bars on his cell, Scarrus told AP, "The government is being short-sighted about this old pile of travertine. Senātus Populusque Rōmānus deserve better. But these guys act like they think this place is going to stand for MM years or something."