Friday, October 16, 2015

Ask a Suspicious Sheep!

Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

The people in my office seem to be acting strange lately toward me. We've heard rumors of layoffs, and I'm afraid they've heard that my head is on the block. What should I do? 

-- Nervous in New Rochelle


Nervous:

It's obvious that they know you're going to lose your job. In fact, they've probably shoved you off the sled so the wolves will eat you while they flee. Quit before their evil plan comes to fruition! Run! Run, I say!

--Suspicious Sheep


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Dear Suspicious Sheep:

My girlfriend says she is going to visit her cousin Erma this weekend, but I think she may be cheating on me and going off with some guy. She's always texting in the bathroom every time I look through the keyhole. Should I accuse her?

--Sleepless in Sheboygan 

Sleepless:

No question about it: She's dumping you for some other guy, you freak. She'd dump you now but she's probably trying to find a way to get some money or maybe pricey gifts or some bales of hay out of you. Run! Run from her! Run away!

--Suspicious Sheep

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Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

I want to wallpaper the family room, but my husband says it's too much work to put up and too hard to take down. He's trying to get me interested in alternating vertical stripes, maybe in blue and violet. The wallpaper I picked is more tasteful than that. How do we resolve this impasse? 

--Decorating in Decatur 

Decorating:

Wallpaper is very hard to take down---you'd probably need some serious munitions, maybe a mini-gun. Stripes could require explosives. All this violence is very unnerving. Best bet: Run away! Run from the walls! Go now! Run!

--Suspicious Sheep

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Dear Suspicious Sheep:

I got this milk in the supermarket yesterday, but I'm thinking it may have gone off. The expiration date is three days away, though. What do you think? 

--Thirsty in Throckmorton

Thirsty:

That milk is probably gone beyond baaad---it's poison! Do not touch it! Do not sniff it! Do not listen to it! Just drop it in the sink and run! Run now! Run away! Run far far away!

--Suspicious Sheep

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Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

My neighbor always comes back from his "business trips" to Mexico with a trailer full of plastic sacks of white powder. He says he is importing Mexican detergent for his new artisan soap business. Then strange men come and go in the dead of night. He seems to be adding a lot of large guns to his collection lately as well. Am I right to be suspicious? 

--Awkward in Austin

Awkward:

Naaah, he sounds okay. Be friendly. Maybe he'll give you some soap.

--Suspicious Sheep
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