Good help.

"No foolin', Joe, that's the best sheep dog I've ever seen."

Eclogue.

Every day the Merriam-Webster site has a different Word of the Day. I often am familiar with the word, being in the word game myself, but of yesterday's I had never heard. Eclogue was the word, meaning "a poem in which shepherds converse."

The dictionary site goes on to explain these pastoral poems, of Greek and Roman origin, thus: "the eclogue traditionally depicted rural life as free from the complexity and corruption of more citified realms. The poets of the Romantic period rebelled against the artificiality of the older pastoral, and the eclogue fell out of favor."

Well, I for one think it's high time we brought back the eclogue. Why wouldn't we want to hear more from our shepherds? God knows we hear more than enough from everyone else. Politicians? Too much. Celebrities? Way too much. It's just blah blah blah all the time. I want to hear less blah and more ba-a-a.

Since I don't know any shepherds personally, I thought I'd just make up my own eclogue for your reading pleasure. Just trying to get the ball rolling, as it were. The problem is that since I don't know any shepherds, I don't know what they talk about. Wolves? The weather? Brucellosis? Self-employment tax?

So my first attempt turned out to be weak; it did not even have any dialogue:

There once was a girl named Bo Peep
Inordinately fond of her sheep
While out camping in tents
(Not in Biblical sense)
She would bring several over to sleep

I rolled up my sleeves and knuckled down for my second attempt. This was better, as it had dialogue and romance, but there's just one shepherd. 

"Sheep, With Me"

by Frederick Key

Young Shepherd Brown was just hanging around

Doing all the stuff shepherds must do

When down from the hill came a lassie named Jill

From the shop where she bought gum to chew

Jill cried out “A crook!” but he said, “I’m no schnook!”

She explained, “I meant that which you bear.”

“It’s for hooking my sheep; my job is to keep

All these fluffy chaps under my care.”

He said, “You’re adorable!” She said, “They’re deplorable!

Those animals send up a stink! 

They smell worse than a pig! They’re so woolly and big!”

He said, “Yeah, but in the rain they all shrink.”

Then a goatherd named Paul who was handsome and tall

Came along with his cheerful goat flock 

Paul said, “Hi there, toots! Ain’t my goats got the cutes?

There’s no question that goats really rock.”

Jill, looking quite pumped, admired the jump

In the goats’ cheerful little-goat prance

But Brown, feeling quite ill, said, “Lookie here, Jill!

All I’m saying is give sheep a chance!”

But Jill coddled and oohed and petted and cooed

It looked like a pastoral goat painting

So Brown started to plot, as he thought that Paul got

Those cute little goats best known for fainting

At a signal from Brown his sheep started to drown

Out the cooing with horrible shouts

In an instant, pell-mell, all the fainting goats fell

Every goat was completely knocked out

Brown cried out, “They’re dead! It’s all his fault!” he said

“That guy is a terrible herder!”

But Jill shouted, “No joke! Your sheep made them all croak! 

I believe you’re the one that caused murder!”

Then Jill, clinging to Paul, continued to bawl

As they left Shepherd Brown with his horde

Jill and Paul ran away and eloped later that day

And pledged fealty until they got bored

Though poor Brown’s heart was hurt, he learned best not to flirt

With a woman who disliked his sheep

With this sad abjuration there came one consolation 

It was all of Paul’s goats he would keep

Moral: Two goats in the hand are worth a bird in a bush.

I don't know; maybe I just don't understand sheep.

Ask a Suspicious Sheep!

Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

The people in my office seem to be acting strange lately toward me. We've heard rumors of layoffs, and I'm afraid they've heard that my head is on the block. What should I do? 

-- Nervous in New Rochelle

Nervous:

It's obvious that they know you're going to lose your job. In fact, they've probably shoved you off the sled so the wolves will eat you while they flee. Quit before their evil plan comes to fruition! Run! Run, I say!

--Suspicious Sheep

***

Dear Suspicious Sheep:

My girlfriend says she is going to visit her cousin Erma this weekend, but I think she may be cheating on me and going off with some guy. She's always texting in the bathroom every time I look through the keyhole. Should I accuse her?

--Sleepless in Sheboygan 

Sleepless:

No question about it: She's dumping you for some other guy, you freak. She'd dump you now but she's probably trying to find a way to get some money or maybe pricey gifts or some bales of hay out of you. Run! Run from her! Run away!

--Suspicious Sheep

***

Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

I want to wallpaper the family room, but my husband says it's too much work to put up and too hard to take down. He's trying to get me interested in alternating vertical stripes, maybe in blue and violet. The wallpaper I picked is more tasteful than that. How do we resolve this impasse? 

--Decorating in Decatur 

Decorating:

Wallpaper is very hard to take down---you'd probably need some serious munitions, maybe a mini-gun. Stripes could require explosives. All this violence is very unnerving. Best bet: Run away! Run from the walls! Go now! Run!

--Suspicious Sheep

***

Dear Suspicious Sheep:

I got this milk in the supermarket yesterday, but I'm thinking it may have gone off. The expiration date is three days away, though. What do you think? 

--Thirsty in Throckmorton

Thirsty:

That milk is probably gone beyond baaad---it's poison! Do not touch it! Do not sniff it! Do not listen to it! Just drop it in the sink and run! Run now! Run away! Run far far away!

--Suspicious Sheep

***

Dear Suspicious Sheep: 

My neighbor always comes back from his "business trips" to Mexico with a trailer full of plastic sacks of white powder. He says he is importing Mexican detergent for his new artisan soap business. Then strange men come and go in the dead of night. He seems to be adding a lot of large guns to his collection lately as well. Am I right to be suspicious? 

--Awkward in Austin

Awkward:

Naaah, he sounds okay. Be friendly. Maybe he'll give you some soap.

--Suspicious Sheep