Thursday, October 8, 2015

The dogs of war.

It's hugely irritating to find that someone has let their dog crap on your lawn and just left it there. It's utterly infuriating when you happen to own a dog yourself and never, ever do that to anyone else.

Having reared Tralfaz for some time, I have become something of an expert in dog poop. At a guess, and without getting all Forensic Files on it, I'd just the mystery crap to have been left by a medium size fellow with a healthy diet. I've seen a few of that description wander by. Whoever it was also tagged the neighbor a couple of weeks ago, and I cleaned it up so my own dog wouldn't get blamed.

What do you do about this?

Here are some options that occurred to me.

1) The Sign: We've had some luck with warning signs in other places in the neighborhood, or at least they seemed to me to work. Some I've seen are pretty large and serious:




Others are small but to the point:


But since there are signs liked these around, you would think that it would not be necessary to educate someone on this nice point of civilized behavior. The perp is most likely someone who thinks he's getting away with something, if indeed he thinks at all. So a sign alone doesn't seem to do the job, except he may think that he can let the dog crap with impunity anywhere there isn't a sign, in which case he's a moron anyway.

2) The Ambush: I sit in the house, peeking out the window, until they come by and the dog drops a brick; the moment they start to move off, BAM! I burst out of the front door and scream like a maniac.

Of course, that means I can do nothing else all day but sit by the window. And since this is (as far as I know) the first time they've ever done a dump-and-dash on my own lawn, I could be waiting there for days, even weeks, until my number comes up again. It might have come in the dead of night, which starts around seven at this time of year. This just isn't going to work. Then there's....

3) Technology: Buy some of those cheap security cameras and train them on the front lawn. When a puppy plop appears, review the recording. Get a screen grab of the irresponsible person and the dog in action; print up flyers and posters and put them on every lamppost and utility pole, and in every mailbox, in this part of town. The shame offensive!

I think this could be very effective. The main problem is the investment. Night-vision security cameras (for it would require that) are not cheap, and the way the property is laid out, for the cameras to get a good solid picture all the way from the secret camera hiding place, they would have to have excellent range. I have many expenses that take precedence over a poop project like this.

4) The Sign II: Maybe something a little more personalized:

Dear Inconsiderate Neighbor:
                I couldn't help notice that your medium-size dog has been allowed to crap on others' property at will, and that your dog's foolish owners have made no attempt to clean it up. Please be advised that I am actively seeking your identity and address---first, to complain about you to the local dog license office and the police, but mainly because my dog is about three times the size of yours. You had better believe it when I say his poop looks like an earth mover just deposited a load of fertilizer. I shall make it my main mission to deliver his droppings to your property every day until you apologize for your lack of consideration; afterward, if any dog, even one that is not yours, should defecate on my lawn again, I will hold you responsible and once again begin the storm. Thank you for your time.
                                Sincerely, Frederick Key

Nah -- that's no good. Who has time to read anymore?
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