Friday, October 9, 2015

Death to kale!

Wednesday was National Kale Day, and I missed it!

But it raises the crucial question: Who gives rat's pitoot?

Except for kale farmers, of course. But they are known to keep National Kale Day in their hearts all the year 'round.

Oh, yay, a toolkit to help me celebrate kale.
Kale is everywhere, kale is everything. We need a day to celebrate it?

Kale is okay. I think it's edible. My wife cares for it less. We might accept it as a passable side dish. But that's what it is. It is not a religion.

I'm not sure when the kalevalanche began, but it was more than a year ago Epicurious thought that the phenomenon had already peaked, and then had to correct itself. Snooty chef to the 1% Alice Waters said in an interview last year that she'd gotten into kale "20 years ago," long before the plebes -- but it's not like she's jumping out in front and taking all the credit. She says that she was "a little late." So don't you dare say she's high-falutin.

You know who does high-falute? The annoying kale braggarts. I have sat in an office while trendy young urbanites nearby traded dining tips; as the "conversation" went on, each had to be kalier than thou. You may have been there yourself, listening to bright young creatures recommend restaurants, and as the world's most precious pissing contest continues the restaurants must to get smaller, healthier, more obscure, harder to reach, and more utterly imbued with kale.

We have been down this road with other things. Arugula, avocado, cilantro, pesto. Some study pops up calling some food the new freaking ambrosia of the gods, which will essentially render you so healthy you can heal small injuries like E.T., and all the weenies flock to it like---well, like flocks. Another article last year pondered what the next kale would be... and yet a year passes and we're still up to our butts in kale. How long, O Lord?

I am almost at the point of praying that something horrible will be revealed about kale---its nutrients are blocked from absorption, like oxalic acid does to the iron in spinach (kale does contain oxalic acid---just saying), or it invalidates your vaccinations, or it gives you diagonal blue stripes, or that after a few years of steady consumption it causes catastrophic failure of the genitalia. Anything, just to shut the kaleiens down, please!

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