Friday, June 20, 2014

Life lessons for the dog.

I have tried to impart some of my wisdom to the dog, using incidents from his daily life as illustrations.

You might as well try to do this with the dog. Kids never listen.

Here are some things I have tried to teach him.

The deer can kick your butt. Actually, he can kick both our butts together, and probably another guy and his dog at the same time. He's fast and he's all muscle. The thing is, the deer doesn't know it. He thinks we can bring it down with our bare teeth. So the big 250-pound chicken runs away.
Lesson: Perception is not reality.

I know it's just a little wasp, but trust me when I tell you: No one ever wins a fight with a wasp. The wasp is programmed to try to murder you and has no concept of the possibility of its destruction. And it has lots of friends just as evil and insane as it is.
Lesson: Determination and dedication make a huge difference.

You always go to people with joy and enthusiasm, but they sometimes look at you like you just rolled in something foul. Maybe you did just roll in something foul. Or maybe they don't like dogs. Or maybe they are allergic. Or maybe they think you are just a fuzzy little barbarian, all drool and tongue, which you were using to lick yourself, all of which is true. Maybe they're germophobes. Or maybe they just are creeps.
Lesson: Love everybody, yes, but that does not mean you have to be in proximity to the jerks.

You can't catch a bird. Not unless it's very, very sick, or even dead, in which case you don't want it. When it's alive and well it will always elude you. A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but a tubercular bird is worth gotz.
Lesson: Dreams are important, but so is good sense.

Don't eat poop. It seems to compel you, but even your ironclad dog interior can't take all that bacteria. Then it's back to the vet.
Lesson: Never eat poop, and never let anyone make you eat poop.

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