Friday, June 27, 2014

Bride alert.

We are almost through Wedding Hell Month---or at least, that's what the caterers are likely calling it. They probably make a fortune in June, but they must be stone cold crazy by now. Offhand, I think only wedding caterers and surgeons can ruin someone's life forever because they had a bad day at the office.

I've been to many, many weddings, and seen many of the marriages fail, I'm sorry to say. One wedding I went to was on the rocks (no lie) before the reception, because the groom decided to snort cocaine and get hammered with his bike buddies right after the ceremony. He eventually turned up, I guess. It was a long time ago and it was NOT my family for a change, all right?

Of course, the structural problems in a relationship that can't survive the interval between the ceremony and the reception should be very evident before anyone starts thinking of whom to ask to be the flower girl.

I don't know a lot about what motivates brides to choose their grooms. After all my years kicking around I have only discovered a handful of things about women, such as: women love bad boys who are secretly good boys and hate good boys that are secretly bad boys. I do know a lot about men, though, and I gladly share my knowledge of men who are not fit to marry decent women, just so that the decent women will think twice before trothing the pledge or banning the posts or entering the lists or whatever they call it.

GUYS YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY


  • Guy whose only exercise comes from fleeing the scenes of accidents
  • Guy whose idea of formalwear is a tank without vomit stains
  • Guy who shaves his eyebrows---nothing else
  • Guy whose iPod shows that only one song has been played more than once---"The Horst Wessel Song," 8,210 plays
  • Guy who insists on coming along to pick the bridal gown; keeps saying no because "Mommy would never wear something like that"
  • Guy who insists that every date iron a shirt on his abs
  • Guy who keeps calling you "Herschel"---unless your name is "Herschel"
  • Guy who needs Cliffs Notes to get through a Chinese fortune cookie
  • Guy who couldn't pick you out of a lineup because he's never glanced up from his phone
  • Guy who keeps nervously asking to borrow your ATM card
  • Guy who writes on all the wedding invitations, "Gifts must be in the form of Bitcoin"
  • Guy who you met in the bar---and never see anywhere else
  • Guy who says Sister Wives is the BEST SHOW on TV EVAAAARRRR
  • Guy who lists his official address as "the cellar"
  • Guy who has turned his entire garage into the deck of the Enterprise
  • Guy who claims his previous relationship was with a Lawson sofa "and the bitch broke it off"
  • Guy who tells you on the first date that he's "pretty much nailed everything in the shop"---and he's not a carpenter
  • Guy who considers himself a class act because he only uses "a dedicated hypo" to inject heroin
  • Guy who tells you about his great job that he may go and get one day
  • Guy who likes calling you by his own name in the throes of passion
  • Guy who drives you to meet his parents, but makes you use the shovel
  • Guy who wants to show you his collection of "pre-chewed foods"
I know there are many, many others, but consider this a primer.

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