Fuzzy varmint at the Lowe's.

Just minding my own business over by the gardening tools at the Lowe's, when I was accosted by this hairy little gray scalawag -- and no, I don't mean a member of Crosby, Still, and Nash:

What a naughty little varmint! Less than two feet away from me!

Why's the might predator so close? Probably because I was standing between him and sacks of bird seed. The little sidewindin' bushwhacker.

I've seen plenty of birds in the big box stores, especially Home Depot and Lowe's. Lots of plants and things to interest them, and that have many doors opening constantly. But I've never been so assaulted, like a salted peanut.

This Lowe's was within the five boroughs of Greater New York, so this squirrel was like, "Yo, outta my way, mofo." He could have easily leaped on my face, but he was trying to play it cool. "Do me a solid. Don't drop a dime on me, aight? I wouldn't wanna have to use one a dese shovels on ya."

I reminded him that he was a hairy little creep, that this life of crime was a one-way trip up the river t crossbar hotel, Sing Sing, the clink, the hoosegow, stir, Cinder Block Castle, the pokey, the cooler, the hot box, the slammer, the lockup, the House of Many Doors.

Then I had to go.

He's probably still there, getting fat as a beach ball on bird seed.

Jerk.