Saturday, June 14, 2014

Feed the birds, nuttin' a bag...

Oh, how misty we get when we hear Mary Poppins sing "Feed the Birds...tuppence a bag..."

Well, my neighbor does it twice a week, but it doesn't even cost him that. Feed the birds garbage! Nuttin' a bag! Nuttin'! Nuttin'! Nuttin' a baaaaaaaaaaggggg!!!

I'm not sure that he is aware that he is putting out a crow smorgasbord when he dumps the plastic bags rather than using a garbage can. Our trash guys are pros, and they carry a shovel on the truck, so he probably never sees what happens after he leaves for work. And I don't think the trash guys have the time or the inclination to leave notes that say, "Hey, schmuck! Get your cheap fat ass down to the Home Depot and buy a stinkin' Rubbermaid can, will ya? Because next week we're leaving this mess and adding a few things off the truck to it, too, stoopid."

I would, but they may be too busy or too polite.

In the winter you can get away with dumping bags, as long as it's early in the morning, because the raccoons and bears and nocturnal things are usually done for the night by then. And it's too dark for the scavenger birds. But in the spring? It's like McDonald's, IHOP, and the Waffle House rolled into one for the Crow-American population.

I'm not too wild on feeding birds anyway. Anyone who's ever gotten pigeon-bombed knows that this morning's act of charity turns into this afternoon's ranch dressing for the hair. 

Of course, teenagers are a lot like birds in that regard, and it's against the law to not feed them. Maybe that's why Mary Poppins checked out while the kids were still small. 

UPDATE: He denies it, but I'm pretty sure I just heard Mr. Philbin singing, "Feed the birds buckets of trash... Buckets! Buckets! Buckets of trash!"

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