To beat the best you have to eat the best.

If you'd like to eat 76 hot dogs in 12 minutes, these may be the condiments you're looking for:

 

Yes, the hero of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Joey Chestnut, has cashed in his fame, and wisely, may I say. The Joey Chestnut World's Greatest Eater line of condiments appeared at my local Walmart this week. They've actually been around a few years, but this is the first I've seen them. Apparently a lot of the proceeds from these products go to charity, which is great.

I don't know if these products are any good -- after all, Joey is known for dunking his hot dogs and buns in water and cramming them down, not delicately basting them with sauces -- but how bad could they be? 

He's got wing sauces, mustard, and something called Classic Boardwalk Coney Sauce. I don't know what that is, and I went to Coney Island quite a lot in my childhood. Technically it should be a sauce used on rabbit meat, but I guess you can use it on anything. 

I applaud Joey for his outstanding work. I know there's no single belt for all eating events, but if there was, I'd bet he would be its uncontested chowing champion of the world. When the Nathan's contest was being won by Japanese men who (according to Curtis Sliwa) trained in secret camps and spread out across the world, eating for victory, Joey saved our national pride. Takeru Kobayashi had won the Nathan's contest six times in a row, wiping the floor easily with contenders like Charles "Hungry Man" Hardy. Joey entered the arena and said "Hold my Maalox." He went on to win the contest every year since 2007 except for 2015, when fellow American Matt Stonie edged him by two dogs.

Competitive eating may seem like a silly thing, even a waste of good food, but it is definitely difficult. Would you really want to try your luck at eating the most mayonnaise in three minutes? (Michelle "Cardboard Shell" Lesco, 3.5 jars, or 86.35066 ounces -- well over half a gallon in three minutes.) Not me, thanks. 

To be the absolute best at something, even something as weird as eating the most Peeps (Stonie again, 255 in five minutes), takes really stupendous effort. There's only room for one at the pinnacle, and certainly when it comes to hot dogs, Joey Chestnut is there. 

I don't think he does the mayo contests, though. Maybe that's why he doesn't offer a Joey Chestnut Mayonnaise. Michelle Lesco could offer a brand of mayo. 

A Matt Stonie-themed Peep might be fun, now that I think about it.