Narrator: His illustrious identity disguised, "Comrade Ivan" goes to People's Glorious Revolution Widget Factory #239 in Leningrad to meet with some typical workers.
Tiev: Welcome, Comrade Ivan! I am Tiev Kryptysnk.
Stalin: Call me Ive.
Tiev: Let me show you around, Ive. Here in PGRWF, we are proud of our widgets!
Stalin: They look good. Like good widgets.
Tiev: The best! No imperialist pig can make widgets like our widgets, eh?
Stalin: Nyet! Never! The workers control the state! Happy workers create superior widgets!
Tiev: Here's your station on the line. When a left-handed widget comes in, you insert a right-handed thingamabob in shlotnik A, see? And when it's a right-handed widget, you insert a left-handed thingamabob in shlotnik A. Then send it on its way!
Stalin: Left, right, right, left. Shlotnik A. Got it.
Tiev: Okay! But for today, just sit and relax, maybe have a drink.
Tiev: Oh, don't worry. There's no raw materials to make the widgets, so we're in Spiachka. Don't worry, we'll make it all up at the end of the month, in Goriachka. Then we work very hard so bosses can get their bonuses!
Stalin: That's when the raw materials come in?
Tiev: No, that's when they get desperate and we use substandard materials. If there's no steel, so what? Lead is fine. Tinfoil works. Just so we fill the boxes and get them out the door. It's shturmovshchina! Long live the revolution, eh, Ive?
Stalin: Uh, da. I'm, uh, I'm going to step out to the little comrade's room just now.
Tiev: Sure, take all day. Nothing going on here!
Narrator: Having enjoyed his time at People's Glorious Revolution Widget Factory #239, "Comrade Ivan" flies to Stalinsk, coal mining powerhouse of the Workers' Paradise.
Natalia: Hello, I am Natalia Babeski, totally equal worker in Great Soviet Coal Production Facility of Stalinsk, and---holy slappink catfish!
Natalia: Comrade General Secretary Stalin! Here in our facility! I am having massive coronary right now!
Stalin: No, my name is Ivan. Ivan, er, Mustachekov.
Natalia: Great General Secretary Stalin is pulling my leg! What an honor to see you here! My God---I mean, my heavens--I mean---screw it! How can we make your trip to our humble coal mine wonderful, Your Supremity?
Stalin: I am just simple Comrade Ivan from Minsk, and---
Natalia: Please, General Secretary, come sit down, have some tea!
Stalin: I think I had best be going and--- Say, is that my, uh, General Secretary Stalin's picture on the wall? Very handsome, eh?
Natalia: Of course! We all love you! We'd do anything for you! I would do anything for you!
Stalin: Well, that's fine... Say, how would you like to fly in an Ilyushin Il-14?
Narrator: Disappointed at somehow being discovered, Comrade Stalin proceeds to his final stop, the world-famous Chelyabinsk Tractor Plant.
Stalin: Greetings, comrades! I am Ivan Mustachekov, and this is my, er, daughter, Natalia.
Natalia: Zdravstvuj. I am Natalia and this is Ivan, who just happens to look familiar to you but is not.
Boris: Hi. I'm Boris Snertyalev. You're here to see the tractor factory, right?
Stalin: That's the plan! Wait here, Natalia.
Boris: So, there's where the wheels are made. Those are the round things. Sorry, but I have to point that out. Some people... Anyway, and down that row they make things out of glass. Not my department.
Stalin: Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Boris: Hey, did you hear the one about the fellow who sneezed in the Kremlin during Stalin's speech?
Stalin: Umm... what?
Boris: Stalin steps forward and yells, "Who sneezed during my speech?" No one says anything. Stalin yells, "First row! Shoot them!" The guards shoot everyone in the front. "Now, who sneezed?" Everyone is paralyzed with fear. Stalin says, "Second row! Shoot them!" Everyone in the second row is killed. Blood is everywhere. The survivors are shaking like leaves in a gale. "Now," says Stalin, "WHO SNEEZED?" One fellow in the back timidly raises his hand and says, "It w-w-was I, G-General Secretary." Stalin says, "Gesundheit." Ha ha ha! Isn't that a good one?
Stalin: A knee-slapper.
Boris: Oh, we have a million of them here. Hey, why is Stalin more democratic than Hitler?
Stalin: I cannot imagine.
Boris: Hitler killed the Jews; Stalin kills everybody! Ho ho! Tell me this, how do we know Stalin didn't kill Lenin?
Stalin: Perhaps we should---
Boris: Because we know where Lenin's body is! Oh, wait, this one will kill you!
Stalin: We shall see.
Boris: Two Ukrainians are discussing Stalin's generous treatment of their people while having lunch. The first one says, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law." The second one says, "Well, try the white meat." Isn't that sensational?
Stalin: Well, I think I've seen enough.
Boris: Ivan, I love a man with a good sense of humor. Come back anytime!
Narrator: Having seen some of the great citizens of the glorious Soviet Republic, Comrade Stalin returns to the Kremlin to think of what he's experienced.
Stalin: Thank you, Narrator. Yes, it is I, the General Secretary. How much fun I had, meeting the people! And I even got a new private assistant, Natalia! As for Comrade Tiev Kryptysnk, I said his hard work has merited an island vacation. So he has been sent to the archipelago. The Gulag Archipelago! And as for Comrade Boris Snertyalev, the one with all the funny jokes? Although that sneeze thing was not funny when it actually occurred... Anyway, I arranged for him to take his act before a squad of our finest marksmen. And I can tell you, he was hit! I mean, he was a hit! A fine farewell appearance. So do your best for the Soviet Union, comrades! And remember, Uncle Joseph is always watching!