Thursday, January 14, 2016

You can't get good customer service anymore.

"Hi, excuse me?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I'd like to return this for a refund, thanks."

"Um... I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot return that item."

"Why not? I just bought it here on Tuesday."


"It was very busy, but surely you remember me. And doesn't one of these little codes say where it was purchased?"

"That's not the point, sir. You can't return these."

"But it's faulty."

"I don't understand. It looks correct to me."

"No, no, you see, when I was here on Tuesday I specifically told you I wanted a winning ticket. This is a losing ticket, you see? You sold me the wrong item."

"We don't sell winning or losing tickets. We just sell the tickets."

"Yes, but this one didn't win."

"The drawing did not happen yet when this was sold. There was no way to know it would not win."

"But I asked for one that would win and you sold me one that would lose. I mean, I hate to bandy words like incompetence or bad merchandise or probably sells beer to children or anything else to the gang on Yelp, but..."

"Please do not threaten me with the Yelp, sir. This is not my fault."

"Then why did I wind up with this bum ticket? Look, only one number came up. Is that fair?"

"The lottery has nothing to do with fairness, sir. The odds of winning are very poor."

"And there you go with the attitude again. Are you calling me a loser? Seriously, I think you need to acknowledge your part in this."

"Sir, I don't know if you know how the lottery drawings work. We don't know what the winning ticket is going to be in advance anymore than you do."

"I didn't say you had to know what exact numbers were going to win, silly. That's why I got five chances. You see how generous I was here. I gave you five opportunities to get it right and you failed five times. Don't you see how your actions have disappointed others?"

"I assure you, if I had known what the winning numbers would be, we would not be having this conversation right now because I would be far away from here."

"Your attitude is beginning to irritate me. Let me speak to your manager."

"I own this shop, sir. I work here fifteen hours a day. That's how I plan to prosper."

"Maybe we could compromise. Look, I'm not demanding we run the machine with the little balls in it again."

"Good of you."

"Let's just assume that if things had gone the way I asked originally, that I would have hit the jackpot, right? Now I know things happen, and I'm not an unreasonable guy. Suppose we just split the difference and say I got five of the numbers. You give me a million bucks and we call it square. Surely that's equitable."

"Sir, I am dialing 911 now. Please leave my shop."

"Um... Can I have a pack of Twinkies?"

"Yes but go."

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