Sunday, January 24, 2016

A winter's tale.

Once upon a time there was a very big and very hairy dog who loved snow very, very much. His name was Tralfaz, and people always said how very big and very hairy he was. Also how very well behaved. Because Tralfaz was a good dog.

One winter the snow just would not come. It was unusually warm for weeks, and then it was very, very cold but very, very dry. The lady of the house said you could strike matches on her hands, it was so damn dry. Tralfaz just wanted his snow, or would, if his mind worked like a person's mind, which, really, who knows?

Then one day a massive, big, gigantic storm slammed into the east coast where the dog lived, and dumped so much snow that airports and highways and even Broadway theaters were closed. Piles and piles of the white crap (as the man of the house called it) formed around the house all day, and the plow guy was going to own the driveway (as the man also said), but Tralfaz the dog was extremely happy.

White crap, falling.

They took the dog out to play in the snow, and it was so wonderful. Snow was the perfect stuff! You could eat it. You could cool off by lying in it. You could bury your face in it. You could climb it. You could even poop in it! Tralfaz ran around like a knucklehead and had a delightful time. And this happened again later, while the man was shoveling and more white crap was falling. And the man said that if only he loved to exercise as much as the dog did, he would make Chris Hemsworth look like Woody Allen, whatever that meant.

And then later they went out again! And it was still wonderful! And this time Tralfaz decided he was not going back into the hot house where there was no snow, but was going to stay outside and romp all over the fenceless yard and accost passersby and do whatever he wanted, for hours and hours and hours. Whee!

Much asking, cajoling, and eventually shouting followed. The man completely lost his freaking mind, saying that this was supposed to be a quick potty run, and it was wet and freezing, and he had not dressed appropriately for a [naughty word] Arctic expedition, and there was snow in his socks, and the [other naughty word] dog had better stop being so [other other naughty word] disobedient or there would be [collection of very naughty words] to pay. And now Tralfaz got nervous, and decided the best thing to do was stay far, far away from the man until he stopped looking so comically furious. And this went on for quite some time until everyone was very upset.

Eventually the dog got to stay outside, tied up like some [naughty word] junkyard dog, which was okay; and when everyone cooled down he came back inside and apologized in a dog way. And he got off light because he was so cute. Ultimately what had been a very pleasant day had turned to garbage, and clearly this was the fault of the man, who had either not trained the dog well or just couldn't take a joke.

And then the man, still pouting like a toddler, sat down to write a story about it while the dog slept off his wild adventure in the hall.

The End

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