Saturday, November 8, 2014

Just how laffy is Laffy Taffy?

Still getting through the last of the Halloween candy (thanks for not eating it all, you little brats) and I got to wondering about Wonka. I guess we've all had questions about Wonka over the years, like: How did Wonka run the only factory in England in the 1970s not completely overwhelmed by the unions? You know the Oompa Loompas weren't union.

Never mind that for now. What I was specifically wondering about was: What makes Laffy Taffy so laffy? And, in fact, IS Laffy Taffy really laffy? (And should it be Laughy Taughy?)

Let's have a look:


Okay, here's a Halloween fun-size type Sour Apple-flavored piece. Not too funny yet. But wait: In the upper right-hand corner of the package it says "Joke! In every wrapper!" Now we're getting somewhere! Let's check out the joke:


Two jokes! Or actually riddles. Okay, riddles can be funny. Well, not really. Maybe these will be. It looks like they were sent in by readers---Joe B. of Milwaukee and Kace L. of Grand Rapids. Whatcha got, kids? "What has a head, a tail, but no body?" and "What do you call an owl that has armor on?"


"A coin" and "a knight owl," respectively.

Nothing against the kids---these are about as funny as riddles get. Gollum and Bilbo weren't yukkin' it up telling riddles down there in the goblin tunnels. The only ones I ever laughed at were the pickle jokes, because they were so stupid ("What's green and robs stagecoaches? Bill the Pickle!"). Banana jokes, too: same reason. Hell, same jokes. ("What's yellow and robs stagecoaches?") So my hat is off to Joe B. of Milwaukee and Kace L. of Grand Rapids.

Maybe it's the taffy (or taughy) itself that contains the laughs. Here it is naked:


Kinda funny. Reminds me of me coming out of a shower into a cold bathroom. Never mind. Forget I said anything.

On the whole: Not very laffy, Mr. Wonka. Bazooka Joe is laughier. (At least its stupid cartoons used to have funny fortunes, like "You will never turn into a giant shoelace"---which was not only funny, it has proved thus far to be the most accurate prediction I have ever received.)

Someone's got to look into Wonka's operation. I think OSHA should investigate these Oompa Loompas, for one thing. They have no reputation for safety. There's probably a big sign on the factory floor that says THIS PLANT HAS WORKED [1] DAYS SINCE SOMEONE WAS TURNED INTO A GIANT BLUEBERRY.

And someone there is swiping a lot of the laffs, I'll bet.
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