Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Memotus to Parentus.

[Another "classic" from the old, nonfunctional Fred site.]

Dear Parents, Guardians, and Other Patroni:

We're all very excited for the new Varsity Gladiator season! I know you parents are almost as thrilled as your kids. And hello all you newcomers!

Meet the gang!

First, we'd like to welcome back our returning students from last year. Congratulations once more to Cassio Regulus of Regio VI, champion of his division! Cassio, who returns as a senior this year, was a starting retiarius who went on to the City Finals. We were all rooting for him, but unfortunately he only got to the first round --- bad luck, Cassio! We weren't the only ones impressed with his performance, though, and we'll never forget the cheers of the crowd calling to spare his life. Thumbs-up, Cass!

For incoming freshmen, we'll be running tryouts starting on Sextilis VII at IX o'clock. If you can bring your own equipment that's great, but an assortment of swords, armor, tridents, nets, shields, daggers, and other sporting goods will be available. While we're at it, let's give a quick shout-out to Mr. Cestus, our equipment manager, for keeping everything neat and clean. Great job, Benny!

We have heard some talk about only fast guys or strong guys making the squad, but folks, let me remind you that the beauty of this sport is that every type has an advantage, and our mission is to bring that out. We want to build strong children, but we mostly want to build strong character. Our program is grounded in a commitment to making men out of boys through fear and pain. Some call us old-fashioned. We like to remind them, though, that, as they say, the Battle of Alesia was won on the playing fields of Capua. The boys who survive our program today will be the men that beat the excrementum out of the Celts tomorrow.

On a more serious note, we would like to remind parents that while it is crucial to support their children in their athletic endeavors, we would really like to not have a repeat of the embarrassing incidents that marred our season last year. Of course we are referring to the riot following Principal Atticus's decision after the Aurelius/Carpus match. It was a fair fight and Carpus brought shame to himself. Parents need to understand that not every call is going to go their way. And please, this year, leave all cutlery at home!

Fees for students admitted to the program will be due on Sextilis XXVIII. Please make sure payment is on time and in the form of bronze.

Thanks, everybody.  and let's make this a bloody great season!

Morior Invictus,

Coach Felix Flavius
Imperial School 45

"Morituri te salutant!"
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