Monday, July 18, 2016

Modern LIFE.

If you grew up at any time in America after 1960, you probably played the board game known as the Game of Life.



As the incomparable Board Game Geek describes it:

This game attempts to mirror life events many people go through from going to college, raising a family, buying a home, working and retiring.
The intent of the game is to have the most assets at the end of the game, assets are earned primarily by working and earning tokens with dollars amount on them. Additionally the first person to complete the course gets additional money tokens.

They've made changes to the game in various editions, as inflation has raised costs and salaries, unfriendliness was reduced ("Revenge" and "Poor Farm" were changed to "Sue for Damages" and "Countryside Acres"), and, worst of all, in the new edition they let kids pick careers. The game was supposed to teach children about being a grown-up; if the careers are Badass Rap Star and NFL Quarterback, they're not going to learn much.

So that's where I'm stepping in.

Here are some new board spaces I recommend for the next edition of the Game of Life, spaces that will bring the game back to the sense of reality, what it means to be a grown-up in America now. I'm sure you'll agree they would make the game more risky and more interesting.

DRIVE DRUNK!
Lose all turns; game over

MARRY A DUGGAR
Collect prizes
BITTER DIVORCE
Wife leaves you for woman; gets the car;
move only 1 space at a time until you get over it

UNDERWATER MORTGAGE
Bank takes home; live in car

KIDS IN COLLEGE
Lose all money; collect a handful of promissory notes
LAID OFF!
Choose new, lower-paid career;
tell everyone it's been your dream for ages

JUST GIVE UP
Stay home on sofa; lose about five or so turns, whatever
HEAR STRANGE NOISE
What's with this mansion?
MIDLIFE CRISIS
Buy new car; take girlfriend to Paris
GET INVOLVED WITH STUPID TRIVIA
Waste time, lose turn
UH-OH
Ponzi scheme unsuccessful; game over



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