Thursday, June 2, 2016

Time's running out!

My wife got this urgent item in the mail:


LAST CHANCE TO ORDER! YOUR LIFE IS ALMOST OVER! ORDER NOW BEFORE DOOOOM OVERTAKES YOU!

This actually is better than their previous catalog pleas, which usually included a phrase like "THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CATALOG!" on the cover. To which the answer was "Good," and into the recycle bin it goes.

Here's the thing: It has probably been at least ten years since my wife got anything from Maryland Square. The last time I got anything from them was never. And yet they keep trying, filling our mailbox with shoe goodness, hoping that this time she'll see that pair of pumps that she simply must have.

Maryland Square -- may I call you Mary? -- I'm sorry, but it's over. It's just not going to happen. It's not you, it's her. She's moved on to other places for her shoe needs. Her work attire requirements were part of it. Yes, I know, you have everything from dress heels to work boots... Don't make this harder than it has to be, Mary. Take it on the chin.

Sadly, I know the catalogs will keep coming, until we move and change our names. And every one will have some kind of petition, maybe even sound a little threatening.

One word, though, Mary: "BUY NOW OR WE SHOOT THIS PUPPY" will get the authorities on your case. Don't make us have to resort to that.
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