Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Knights Anonymous.

Don: Hi, everyone, and welcome to this open meeting of Knights Anonymous. My name is Don Quixote, and I'm a recovering Knight.


All: Hail, Don!

Don: Let's read the preamble... Rodney?

Rodney: (reading) "Knights Anonymous is intended to help those recovering from knighthood, knight errantry, and knight missions. We have no affiliation with any kingdom, empire, or fief; have pledged no allegiance to any regent; announce no support for any cause. Our sole purpose is to recover from knighthood and help those in need of recovery."

Don: Thanks, Rod. As always, bear in mind that our program is anonymous, and our traditions insist that whatever one does or says here is confidential. And no dueling! Well, we have a small group here tonight. Rod, would you like to start us off?

Rodney: Oh, no, I shouldn't...

Don: Please.

Rodney: Oh, very well... I am Rodney, and I am a recovering knight.

All: Hail, Rodney!


Rodney: I was never really cut out for the knight shift. It just seemed like a good idea at the time, you know? But it became a knightmare. Back in Id, any gig that promised three hots and a cot put you way ahead of everyone else. And I always wanted to impress my girlfriend, Gwen. So I would pretend to be slaying dragons and stuff, when I usually ran away, or sometimes bribed them... Everyone knew, though. I was the last one to know I was a total coward, even when they called me "Rodney the Chicken-Hearted." Finally I got sick of being the king's flunky, and I was lucky enough to flee Id and find these rooms.

Don: Thanks, Rodney. We appreciate your admission of craven chickenhood.

Rodney: I know for sure today that I just can't handle knighthood anymore. Knighthood is fine for those who can take it. We make no judgments on that.

Don: That's right. How about you, Blackie? You want to go?

Blackie: Yes.

Don: Feel free.

Blackie: Very well... I AM THE BLACK KNIGHT! NONE SHALL PASS! THE BLACK KNIGHT NEVER LOSES!

Rodney: (sotto voce) Newcomer.

Blackie: WHAT'S THAT?

Rodney: Nothing! Nothing!

Blackie: It'd better not be or I'LL BITE YOUR KNEECAPS OFF!

Don: Blackie, maybe you ought to stand down.

Blackie: Is that supposed to be FUNNY?


Don: Why don't we come back to you a little later.

Blackie: I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm just not dealing with retirement well, you know? I mean, other knights go into recovery because they're coming out of delusion, or are abject cowards...

Rod: Mnmph.

Blackie: ...but I was brave! I was tough! My record was 65-0-1!

Don: Not sure about that draw, Blackie.

Blackie: Mnmph.

Rod: It helps to turn these things over to your Higher Power.

Blackie: Who, the KING?!?!

Don: No, no...

Sir Not Appearing In This Blog Post: Perhaps we should hear from the new fellow.

Don: Yes, you there! We don't wish to make thee, uh, you uncomfortable, but would you like to introduce yourself?

New Knight: Uhh... Not really, thanks; rather just listen.

Blackie: SCARED, are you?

Rod: Blackie, we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable... (ulp)

New Knight: No, no, it's all right. Hi. My name is... Lancelot....

All: Hail, La-- Lancelot?!

Lance: Yeah.

Rod: YOU? I mean, all knights are welcome here... but YOU?

Don: I think what Rod means to say is that, Knights Anonymous is for all knights who wish to begin a new life, but those who join are usually not so... so...

Lance: Successful?

Rod: Yeah.


Lance: Yes, I know. Greatest jouster, greatest sword fighter, bravest of the Table Round, slayer of the Worm of Corbin, slayer of this, slayer of that, slayer of the other thing... blah blah blah. But I'm... I'm...

Don: It's all right. You're among friends.

Lance: ...I'm the worst knight here! There, I said it!

All: No! No way!

Lance: Yes! Yes way!

Don: Now, just take it easy, Lancelot. You should hear some of our stories! Why, I jousted with windmills, thinking they were giants!

Blackie: I suffered grievous bodily flesh wounds in battle!

Rod: I got pantsed by the Huns!

Sir Not Appearing In This Blog Post: I didn't even show up for this joke!

Lance: Well, I...

Don: Come, speak, friend.

Lance: I, uh, slept with the queen, slaughtered a bunch of my fellow knights, violated my oaths, betrayed my sovereign, and brought death and destruction to Camelot.

(silence)

Crickets: Chirp.

Don: Ah, yes, well, Lance, that's a pretty rough story.

Lance: Yeah, I sucketh.

Rod: Holy cow.

Lance: So... Is it okay if I hang around for the meeting?

Rod: Uh...

Blackie: Er...

Don: Um...

Lance: I brought doughnuts.

All: Okay!

~here endeth the tale~
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