Wednesday, January 21, 2015

President calls on Americans for "sacrifice."

WASHINGTON -- In his State of the Union Address last night, President Barack Obama called on Americans for "sacrifice" in the ongoing struggle against the organization known as the Islamic State.

"People who like to kill people are very difficult to deal with," said the president, "but fortunately most of the people they are killing are far away from us. Our job is to make it so none of you have to worry about them.

"I know in your hearts you would rather be thinking about the love life of Jennifer Aniston or how Beyonce will keep her figure if she has another baby. But we know the peace of mind that allows for such meaningless considerations only comes from not having to worry about some creep in a black mask trying to hack your head off. The reality is, to make that happen, sacrifice must be made.

"I have consulted with the best minds in Washington and Hollywood over this problem. My task force, including Vice President Biden and Academy Award winner Matt Damon, have noted that the group called ISIS seems to be pretty happy if they can just cut the heads off one or two Westerners every other month, especially if they are Christians. Jews, of course, are the best. Michael Moore, my lead technical adviser, argues powerfully that direct armed conflict with ISIS would require cowardly actions, not courage, unlike the dozen or so brave American lives lost to human sacrifice. We agree that a handful of Americans sacrifices to the blades of our noggin-chopping foes beats the hell out of thousands lost in the hell of war, or in man-made disaster on our own shores.

"Therefore, beginning next month, my Lamb Initiative intends to bring regular, targeted deliveries of Americans to our enemies, which will satisfy their bloodlust and prevent them from pursuing Americans outside the miserable pile of sand they call home. I know you will agree, and Congress will agree, this is a small price to pay for a peaceful and prosperous 2015 and 2016."

The president went on to point out Mr. Moore, seated near the First Lady and former president James E. Carter, who helped Mr. Moore to his feet for a bow.
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