Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Sale of the celery.

On Saturday I was dispatched to get everything needed for the Thanksgiving feast. Turkey, green beans, spuds, stuffing, onions, cranberries, cheese, crackers, etc. etc. 

But I forgot the celery. 

When this oversight was discovered, a collective chill descended on the house like smoke from a turkey roasting on Broil. 

"Forgot the celery...?"

"Uh... yeah."

"You can't have stuffing without celery."

"I know."

"Or it's just... chicken bread with onions."

"All right."

"No celery for the dips, either."


"Will you get some?"

"Today. Now." I got my coat. I understood the danger. We'd lost a couple of days. "I'm on my way. The celery-hoarding pigs will leave nothing but a few wilty stalks and a handful of leaves."

"The celery-hoarding pigs?"


Got to the store---fortunately there was no crisis... YET. On the checkout line I texted home: PIGS THWARTED.

God knows what it's like now, though.

You can wait till the last second and claim you want only the freshest ingredients. You can procrastinate and tell yourself the market will bring in a load of celery at the last minute. You're going to get nothing but the leavings from the pigs.

You heard it here first.

The celery-hoarding pigs kept our boys from getting adequate celery during World War II, leading to a deficiency of---whatever celery has in it. (Strings?) Don't let them do it to you.

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