Saturday, November 22, 2014

People who don't need People.

Damn you, People magazine!

Look, I know I never played Thor, or even Beta Ray Bill, but how could you completely overlook me for your Sexiest Man Alive award AGAIN?


Are you going to let all this macho manliness go to waste?

Srsly, amiright?


Well, I guess a writer is never going to be voted the sexiest man alive. I mean, first of all, because no one knows what most of them look like, or that they, you know, exist. And second, because, let's face it, there are reasons that people take up writing, and one of them is not because they are exhibitionists.

And it's not enough to be a butch Hemingway type either. These days I think no man is going to get to be People's SMA unless he has guns like Hulk Hogan in his heyday ("24-inch pythons" I believe they were called). Writers are busy thinking about plot construction, character development, synecdoche, symbolism, and whether you really need to take a shower if you don't absolutely know you are going to leave the house; they don't have time to spend seven hours a day in the gym.

In fact, I don't know how Chris Hemsworth has time to act. Those muscles are going to deflate if you don't pump 'em up every day.

Come to think of it, though, I'm not sure how these SMAs come about anyhow. Think about the guys you knew who were big into acting in high school. Were they towering masses of muscles and testosterone? Not in my school, I can tell you that. And don't blame me for bringing down the averages; I was with the literary mag, not the theater group.

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