After last year's preposterously awkward appearance by the cast of the musical Kinky Boots in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, parents are concerned about what garbage is going to come down the pike next. Sorry, prudes! You'll just have to accept the fact that there's no such thing as family-friendly anything anymore. Oh, sure, you got the Lena Dunham-inspired incest scene in Frozen cut from the DVD release*, but that's a rearguard action. You bluenoses had just better get used to having to explain things about sex to the kiddies before they're ready.
Really, people, relax. Your man Fred is on the scene to make sure everything will be family friendly this year. I mean, yes, I did go down to Macy's in Herald Square last year on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to check things out, as seen in this photo.
And yet somehow this Kinky Boots thing escaped my notice. But I'll be more vigilant this time.
You're wondering if this year's telecast will feature the bloody torture song from the stage production of Criminal Minds, the naked sex scene from Hair: The Darker, Grittier Reboot, or the head-hacking scene from ISIS: The Musical Review**.
Well, relax. No way. For one thing, the forecast for Thursday is 43F, and SAG-AFTRA rules prohibit naked performance copulation in public when the temperature is below 60.
Also, NBC was embarrassed by the coverage last year, and this year has insisted that musical acts with explicit lyrics tailor their numbers for the home audience, maybe using a holiday twist***. So Meghan Trainor will be doing a cooking number called "All About That Baste"; Izzy Azalea will be crooning about dining with "Fork Love"; and there'll be a classic post-turkey lament from rap star Eminem called "Gas Like That." So we have a lot to look forward to this year.
After all, we spend a lot of time teaching the children the difference between "appropriate" and "inappropriate," so this Thanksgiving we're going to demonstrate that adults know the difference too****.
** Still kidding.
***Yeah, that too.
****Nah. It'll be more inappropriate trash, probably worse than last year.