Lid, flipped.

I admit it -- I'm a straight white male and I like yogurt. There, I said it.

One thing that irks me about store-bought brands of yogurt is that so many of them are trying to sell me a lifestyle, to get me committed to their brand-centric vision of life, like I'm joining a club or cult or something. Hey, Jimmy Promotions, I'm not trying to become a Mason; I just want breakfast.

This kind of thing may work better for the target audience -- hello, ladies! Women more often state a desire for community and sisterhood when marketers ask nosy questions. Men more often profess an interest in solitude and shotguns. They may be saying that to get the marketers to leave them alone.

Regardless who you are, you sit down for a yogurt, peel off the lid, and suddenly you're swept into some clown's idea of a positive group affirmation -- this from Yoplait's Frenchy Oui yogurt:

Yoplait wants me to dance in the mirror. Hell, NOplait. Are you kidding? I'm trying to eat, not ruin my appetite.

Here, Two Good from Dannon's Light & Fit line is trying to persuade me that the yogurt I already bought will improve my mood, even though the lack of sweetness and flavor in this diet yogurt is bringing me down already. Stop selling; you got my money.

Sorry about the lame picture -- Liberté yogurt from Canada is reassuring me that their vanilla is from Madagascar, telling me something interesting about Madagascar, because I'm a smart consumer that wants to know where my vanilla beans come from and wants to know some interesting facts about the place. Look: Before I finish my first cup of coffee I'm a drooling moron, Liberté, and I'm not so sure about after. Thought you should know that.

The most irritating I've found are these YQ lids from Yoplait's high-protein low-sugar line. They all have snotty little sayings that remind people why nerds got swirlies. "hiYQ" indeed.

These make me miss the cereal boxes we read as youths while scoffing Sugar Frosted Lumps O' Sugar or other highly nutritious brands. At least they were supposed to be fun, not smug. Smugness is unattractive, no matter who you are.

So, as a public service to our yogurt companies, I've written up a few yogurt lids I think people would find more intriguing and enjoyable, things that would make them want to buy rather than spurn these brands. Don't thank me, yogurt people; just send money.

Pretty great, huh? No? Well, they're better than the real thing.