Monday, July 17, 2017

Fred inventions.

[Another classic, meaning rerun, from the old defunct blog -- sorry, busy weekend -- Fred]

At FredLabs, we're always innovating, always striving to create new products to help the citizens lead more happy and productive lives. Yes, strive strive strivey strive strive, all the livelong day. That's us.

Here are some new products for the homemaker that we expect to bring to market within the next fiscal year, products sure to be in high demand, or perhaps high dudgeon.

The Ove Sock™: Sure, those guys who make the Ove Glove were smarty pants, but haven't you ever been so busy cooking a big meal that you said, "I wish I had an extra pair of hands?" Well, you don't--that would be weird--although you do have two feet that could be stirring the pot or pulling the casserole out of the oven. But you have to protect them tootsies--and that's where the Ove Sock comes in! Resistant to heat up to five hundred degrees, the Ove Sock has high-impact silicone to give your feet our patented Monkey Grip™, and yet is comfortable and breathable, so there's no athlete's foot fungus on your food! Remember the Ove Sock--sure to be a big seller in the Holiday Season!

The Chopping Board™: Why go to all the trouble of chopping vegetables on the board when the board can chop the vegetables for you? The new Chopping Board™ takes the exhausting labor out of dicing and presents perfect chef-quality uniform cuts every time. Simply place the item on the board, turn it on, and--Pow! Sixteen ultra-sharp blades shoot out of the board, cutting that sucker up with one mighty blow. No busy home cook can stand to be without it! (Not recommended for homes that feature children, teenagers, old people, forgetful people, people who drink, people who take the fun prescription drugs [you know, the kind you could sell on the corner], dogs, cats, or anything else that might lean on the board by mistake.)

The Flameinator™: You know how it is with stuff in the freezer; first you have to defrost it, and then, after all that, you have to cook it. Why not do both at once with the Flaminator™? The Flaminator's patented combustion technology turns that ugly ice-sore into a well-done steak in mere minutes! Two hundred and thirty-two, actually, but they're minutes! Simply insert the food, fill with gas, put the handy exhaust pipe out a nearby window, pull the cord a few times, curse, pull again, and watch as the Flaminator roars to life--like the roars of approval you'll get from your family. Foods can burn in the oven and explode in the microwave--now put burning and exploding to work for you!


At FredLabs, we won’t rest until we make your life easier. In fact, it’s fair to say we won’t rest even then. Why? Is it our commitment to your happiness? Our dedication to the advancement of domestic science? The 53 espressos we had after lunch? What is our motivation? We’ll never know.

What could it be?
Here are even more products for the homemaker that we expect to bring to market soon, products sure to be seen in those home gizmo catalogs printed on the cheap paper.

Seala Spray™: Ever spill coffee on your pants? Ever think that was a bad idea? Well, no more, when you treat your pants (and other clothing) with Seala Spray! Seala Spray coats the fabric with a stiff outer layer of plastic, so spills roll right off! If you coat the inside with Seala Spray too you won’t ever have to launder again—just wipe them down from time to time. Forget dealing with messy hangers that tangle; Seala Spray clothes can be stood up in the corner until they're ready for use. Convenient! And good for your posture, too!

The Wallba™: Those guys at iRobot think they’re so smart, with their Scooba for mopping and Roomba for vacuuming and Looj for gutters and Mirra for pools and blah blah blah. Well, FredLabs is first to market with Wallba, the fantastic robot that cleans walls! Why repaint when Wallba will scrub—the easy way? Removes marks, scuffs, doorknob bonks, and that smear where little Billy’s hair rubbed along the wallboard as big brother Jimmy dragged him down the stairs. Whatever your wall stain, Wallba will clean it up! (Remove all objects hanging from wall before using. Not recommended for Sheetrock, wallpaper, paneling, or plaster walls. Works best on horizontal wall surfaces.)

The Hot Pocketenator™: Love Hot Pockets™? Of course you do! But who wants to wait all that time for them to get cooked? The problem is they’re too thick, so the microwave takes too long to heat them and then they take too long to cool down. Now you can heat up those little bundles of deliciousness fast with the Hot Pocketenator! Just put your frozen Hot Pocket in the press, mash down, and in seconds the product is hot—and flat! The gooey center becomes a portable cheese and meat disk in the middle, making your Hot Pocket into a Hot Flatbread Pizza. And a flat Hot Pocket cools down much quicker than a thick one, so before you know it, guess what—you’re eatin’! Cook a bunch and stack them for company!

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