To Mom and Dad, without whose cooperation this author would not have been possible.
To L.B.Q., who would be humiliated to be associated with this lousy book were I to spell out "Linda Belinda Quigley," which is her name
To ME! I did all the work! Me! Me! Me!
To Alice, although I will regret having made this dedication to her if she finds out about Gertrude
To Professor Flugelhorrn---toldya I could write! Kiss my ass!
To my readers---suckahs!
To Agatha Christie, from whom I shamelessly stole characters, situations, incidents, plots, and plot twists
To Jean Spludge, without whom none of this would have been possible
To Mummy and Popsy, whose trust fund enabled my life of leisure so I could play at working in publishing while making the necessary connections to publish this slab of garbage. Popsy's college friend Rupert Coggs at Random House helped too. Thanks also to great-great-great-grandfather Ulysses, whose heartless exploitation of the masses made our fortune, which is why I support socialism out of guilt but will never part with a nickel of my own, so don't ask me.
To my ex, Alice, who's going to get all the dough from this book anyway so she might as well have this page too
To IBM, for inventing the PC. I could never have done this on a typewriter. No spellcheck on the Smith-Corona.
To my cat, Miss Phoebe Suckling Pig, because I hate every human being on earth
To ME! Although my ghost writer, Jean Spludge, did all the work. ME anyway!
To the paper manufacturers of the world---if not for your tireless efforts and reasonable prices, crap like this would never see the light of day
To Jim Beam and Mr. Coffee, without whose cooperation this book could not have been written
To my extremely effective lawyer, Max. He knows why.
To Jean: The check is in the mail
To my new mistress, Peaches (suck it, Gertrude!)
To the reviewers: I know where you all live
To Charles Dickens, who, although he didn't play basketball like me, also published a couple of books, like I have now about my career and stuff, so I guess that makes us equal
To my dainty little fingers, who worked so hard
To ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! Because ME!